


The Bottom Line

by TheAfterglow



Series: Complicity [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi - Fandom, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Feels, Control, Dom/sub Undertones, F/M, First Time, Force Bond (Star Wars), Keep the mask on!, Loss of Innocence, Masturbation, Original Character(s), POV Alternating, Power Imbalance, Ren likes to watch, Sequel, Slow Build, Slow Burn, post-TFA
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-05-24 05:09:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 33,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6142475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAfterglow/pseuds/TheAfterglow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He sat down to catch his breath and rested his back against a fallen tree, staring up at the light fading from the sky. A few stars had just begun twinkling beyond the treetops, and he wondered where she was amongst them.</p><p>...</p><p>Weak was not at all the way she would’ve characterized the sensation of him that she carried with her now, sometimes a beacon and sometimes a burden, but rather a constant, like a star that never set in the sky.</p><p>She had absolutely known he had lived. </p><p>She was certain he could feel her too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Chewbacca dashed off the Falcon** ahead of her, intent on finding medical assistance for Finn as soon as possible. His limbs flopped gracelessly onto the floor where the Wookie had stashed him in the med bay to pilot them safely off Starkiller as the planet had imploded in their wake. 

A stern-looking, older woman with greying hair woven into a thick, neat braid around her head cut through the crowd and opened her own arms to Chewie, who bent over her tiny figure with a long, sad yodel. 

“I know, I know,” the woman said softly into Chewie’s chest fur. “It’s alright, I’d have shot him myself, too.”

Rey slowly descended the gangway, and stood alone amidst the commotion on the landing pad. A half-dozen X-Wing pilots, still dressed in their orange jumpsuits and helmets, clapped one another on the back and she heard shouts of celebration. She had to thank them, knew she was in their debt for coming for her, but the one person she needed and wanted to thank most was gone. She’d barely had time to process what she’d seen before Finn had yanked her out into the freezing snow on Starkiller, shouting at her to _run_ ; she didn’t even know where he thought they’d go, and then Kylo Ren had been right there behind them. 

Her upper back ached from where he’d flung her rudely into a tree trunk, but not as much as her heart ached to think that Finn might not recover. Suddenly and without warning, her adrenaline-soaked muscles went wobbly and she sank onto the sun-warmed tarmac. She was exhausted, felt like she could barely hold her eyes open, even.

The woman who had been hugging Chewie caught Rey’s movement out of the corner of her eye, and broke her embrace. 

“Someone get the medics,” she shouted over the din, “This girl looks like she’s going into shock and we have another wounded man on board -- bring the brace!” 

The woman crossed the short distance to her and sank down on one knee in front of Rey. “Hey, there,” the woman said gently, taking Rey’s shaking hand in her calloused, warm ones. “You’re going to be alright, you’re safe now. What’s your name, sweetheart?” 

Rey lifted her eyes and stared at the woman thickly, at her wide brown eyes, firm with authority and experience, but shining with tears at the moment. It was _his_ mother, she recognized her instantly. “I’m Rey,” she croaked, and then she blacked out.


	2. Chapter 2

**It could’ve been hours** , or even days, that had passed when she woke again, feeling like she hadn’t slept this deeply in her entire life. The lights overhead were so bright she wished groggily for her makeshift goggles, abandoned back on Jakku. Slowly, she turned her head to the side to see Chewbacca seated across the room, dozing in a chair. His head was tilted back, resting on the wall, and a slight snoring sound came from between his pointy teeth. She stared at him for a long time, a ball of hurt welling up in her throat until if felt like it was nearly choking her, but she held back her sobs, not wanting to wake him. Hot tears rose in her eyes, stinging her eyelids and wetting the pillow beneath her cheek where they fell against the sterile, white pillow. She had never felt a cloth so clean in her life. A window in the hallway opposite the room was inky black outside. No wonder Chewie was asleep, it must be the middle of the night or nearly dawn already. 

She closed her eyes and tried to rest, but all she could see behind her eyelids was the flare of his saber as it had gone through Han’s back. She’d been too far from where the two men had stood on the catwalk to hear their conversation, but Finn had muttered, partly under his breath as much to her, “Oh, man, what is Solo doing?! That’s Kylo Ren! We gotta get out of here before they bomb the core!”

“That’s Han’s son,” she’d replied without looking at Finn.

Finn’s head had whipped towards her at that. “What?!” he was incredulous. “Are you kriffing with me, how do you know that?” She’d just placed her hand on his forearm and watched uselessly as they’d argued, and then, Han was gone.

Their fight in the forest had taken every last ounce of her strength, and she’d drawn on what she supposed was the Force to give her an advantage in what was a decidedly unfair fight. Kylo Ren was over a head taller than her, broad-shouldered and obviously light years ahead of her when it came to saber fighting skills. 

But the saber hilt, the one from Maz’s castle, had leapt to her when she’d thought to call it, like it was fit to her. His surprise as it landed squarely in her hand instead had the same delicious taste as when she’d turned his mind probe back on him. 

She curled as gently as she could onto one side, careful not to make any noise, trying to ease the ache in her back. As she did, she noticed she was no longer in own her clothes, and instead in a pale green gown made of rough, loosely-woven cloth that was so slack she could look straight down the neck at her smallish breasts, the flat of her stomach, and the small patch of dark, coarse hair between her legs. She pulled the blanket higher up on her shoulder, suddenly very aware of how naked she felt.

She closed her eyes again and tried not to think of the memories Ren had seen against her will. 

_You need a teacher_ , he’d said. A teacher for what, she thought? A retort had sprung to her head in the moment, but then he was upon her and she had to fight him off before she had been able reply: _I’ll never join you_. The last blow she’d landed before she’d thrown him back was a vicious slash to the face, slicing his cheek in two. Hurting him physically had felt delicious, too.

A stack of equipment covered with wires and graphical readouts near the head of her bed began chiming, at first softly, then more insistently. She glanced at it, trying to figure out how to stop the sound before it woke Chewbacca, but it was already too late. He was up out of the chair and pushing her delicately back to the bed as he pawed the topmost box with his free hand. 

The alarm silenced and he smoothed her hair back with his giant hand, letting out a guttural greeting. 

_Glad you’re OK. I’m going to get your doctor._

“Thank you,” she said, squeezing his forearm with what she hoped conveyed her undying thankfulness and condolences at the same time. 

Chewie cocked his head to the side and yodeled softly. _Thanks, no one expected that_. He turned from her then, ducking out of the door to find someone to attend to her.

* * *

**“Hello, Rey, how’re you feeling,”** asked the kindly-looking older woman, placing her hand gently against Rey’s forehead in a gesture that felt well-practiced. Rey immediately liked woman by how she felt in the Force: confident, calm, radiating a positive energy around her. “I’m Dr. Ixx.”

“Hi,” Rey said shyly. She’d never seen a doctor that she could recall; it was a luxury few on Jakku could afford. “I’m alright, I think. Tired, and kind of confused. Where are we here?”

The doctor pulled over a short, wheeled stool to sit on, nodding briskly. “You’re at a Resistance base on D’Qar, in the Illeenium system. Specifically, you’re in the med bay. You were in a bit of rough shape after getting off Starkiller, but mostly you check out just fine. You’ve been asleep for around 6 hours since you passed out on the airstrip.” 

“Mostly?” Rey asked. She didn’t know if that was good or bad. 

“Your vitals are very strong,” Dr. Ixx said reassuringly. “Heart rate is even, your body temperature is average, blood pressure surprisingly low. You’re stronger than you look, and aside from a few deeper scrapes that some bacta should fix up pretty easily, you pulled through just fine.” The doctor looked at her cautiously before adding, “We’ll wait to take a complete medical history and get a statement about what happened while you were held captive with the First Order until you’re feeling more rested.”

Rey’s eyebrows shot up practically to her hairline. What did taking a medical history entail, she wondered. “Oh,” she finally breathed. “Is…. what about Finn?”

The doctor looked down quickly before meeting her eyes again. “Your friend is resting, too. He was already in a coma and we’re keeping him unconscious until we can determine it’s safe for him to be revived. But--” the doctor pressed her hand to Rey’s, projecting strength into her, “He’s in good hands here, you both are. You should concentrate on getting some rest. I understand you’ve had quite an eventful couple days.” She smiled then, chuckling softly. “It’s a long way from Jakku to here, huh?”

“Did Chewbacca tell you that,” Rey finally smiled, slightly ashamed at her origins in front of this obviously learned woman.

Dr. Ixx laughed then and cocked her head at the window, and only then Rey noticed Chewie hovering expectantly outside with the woman he’d hugged as soon as they’d landed. They were both watching her intently. Just then, a young, tan-skinned man with dark, wavy hair walked up beside them and grinned at her through the window, giving a short, hesitant wave.

She smiled shyly back and lifted her hand to return the gesture, then asked the doctor, “And... who is that?”

Dr. Ixx smiled more widely now. “Oh, that’s Poe Dameron,” she said. “I hear his BB unit caused you some trouble.” The doctor smiled and nodded to the trio in the hallway in what Rey interpreted as permission granted. Chewbacca opened the door to her room then, and BB-8 peeked its head in from the side of the door with a low, cautious whistle. 

Her heart nearly burst then. “Oh, hey there you,” she greeted the droid. “How are you, little one?”

BB-8 rolled swiftly to the edge of her bed then, bobbing and weaving beside the doctor, bleating and chattering its excitement at seeing her, that she was OK, and that Poe had saved the day. The three entered her room behind the droid, and Dameron stepped forward with his hand outstretched in greeting. 

“Hey there, I’m Poe,” he said as he crushed her smaller hand in a firm handshake. “BB’s been telling me all about your adventures, but I gotta thank you myself for saving Finn’s traitor ass.”

She blushed, waiting for him to release her hand from his grip that was beginning to feel endless. “I think we’re all in _your_ debt, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Nah,” Dameron shrugged modestly, withdrawing his hand and shoving it in his back pants pocket. “We can argue about it later over some drinks, ok? You should get some more rest. It sounds like you had pretty rough time up there. You know what? Next time, aim a little lower down when you’re swinging a lightsaber at Kylo Ren’s head, huh? You might get him across the neck if you’re lucky.”

Both Chewie and the older woman looked sharply at Dameron then, and the doctor said gently, “Alright, I think it’s time we let Rey get her rest.” She stood and nodded curtly at the other woman, “General.”

The General inclined her head very slightly in silent reply, then stood with her hands clasped behind her back as the others filed out of her room, BB-8 trailing behind and hovering expectantly in the doorway before the woman closed it gently in front of the droid.

She turned back to Rey, and took a seat on the stool vacated by Dr. Ixx. “Hi, Rey, I’m General Leia Organa.” 

Rey picked at the edge of the blanket nervously with her dirty fingernails. She suddenly felt very nervous, and didn’t know what to say. If this was Kylo Ren’s mother, then Han had been her--

“We don’t have to talk now,” the General said kindly, cutting off her thoughts as though she knew what Rey was thinking. “I just wanted to introduce myself since I didn’t get to before you--”

“I’m so sorry,” Rey blurted out, an uncontrollable wave of sadness overcoming her as she thought of Han again. “We couldn’t save him, he went after Ren and then he--” She broke off as she saw the tears welling in the general’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, no longer trusting her voice not to crack. 

General Organa reached for her hand then, and just held it gently, stroking her thumb over Rey's knuckles. After a long while she wiped her tears from her own eyes with the back of her other hand and chuckled, “You feel pretty strong in the Force, kid, did you know that?”

 _Kid_. The word tore at Rey’s very heart. 

Rey laughed a little then, the motion hurting her diaphragm where she’d been unconsciously holding in her breath in an effort not to sob openly in front of this woman whose pain was undoubtedly so much more than her own. 

“That’s what I keep hearing today,” she offered shyly. 

The General blinked at her in silent agreement, a smile crinkling the corners of her eyes into deeper lines before she she rose to depart. At the door, she paused and said softly, without turning back to face Rey, “I know I might be the only one, but I’m glad you missed his neck.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up! This chapter *might* be a bit uncomfortable for readers who're survivors of assault or have had to give statements or testimony about being assaulted. This hasn't happened to me personally, so hopefully it's reasonably realistic, at least for these characters.

**A medical history** , as Rey found out, took a long time to collect if you’d never seen a doctor before.

A droid had come by mid-morning and performed all manners of scans and tests on her, mostly unobtrusively until it had directed her to sit up with her legs hanging off the side of her bed and struck her below her kneecap before she knew to expect it. Her lower leg had jerked forward and kicked the droid’s metal body. 

“Sorry,” she mumbled, but her biggest toe stung where it had connected with the solid object.

“No apologies necessary, and your reflexes are within tolerances,” the droid replied. “Please recline for a routine blood sample withdrawal.”

She cautiously leaned back and yelped in surprise when the droid pricked her inner elbow with a tiny needle. A droplet of blood welled to the surface, and the young attendant beside the droid reached in to collect it in a miniature glass vial before pressing a bacta-aid to the spot. “That’ll heal in no time,” he winked at her. 

“Thanks,” she replied. He had nice eyes, she noticed. 

Eventually they left her to her own devices, assuring her Dr. Ixx would be back to discuss the results of her examination and to gather more information in a bit. The sun shone brightly outside, and she could just make out the tops of dense foliage past the outermost buildings of the base’s footprint. D’Qar was in the Outer Rim, she distantly recalled from her maps that she’d pilfered over the years. 

Her mood was just beginning to darken slightly as she recalled how Ren had seen her pathetic home, Imperial maps included, when the door swung wide and Dr. Ixx stepped in, looking quickly at a holopad. 

“Good morning, Miss Rey,” Dr. Ixx’s eyes shone in the morning light. “Did you eat something earlier?”

Rey nodded earnestly. “Yes, there was a bunch of things, and I ate them all.”

The doctor chuckled lightly, “That’s not surprising, you’ve barely had time to eat in the last couple days with all this excitement, and your tests show you’re somewhat underweight for your height. Nice change from what we normally see around here, though,” she assessed briskly. “You’re very fit, if a bit growth-stunted, no doubt due to extreme hardship.” The doctor looked her over quickly, felt her head again with her firm hand, worked her hands gently down Rey’s arms and legs then, squeezing firmly. “Tell me if this hurts anywhere,” she ordered.

She hadn’t been touched this much in years, Rey thought. She barely knew what human contact felt like. “No, it’s fine,” she replied.

“Good,” the doctor confirmed. “That’s very good, the scans only picked up a few old fractures that probably healed a long time ago, and you don’t have any new bone or deep tissue injuries from the attack yesterday.”

“Attack?” Rey asked. She wasn’t sure which bit the doctor was talking about at all, or how she’d even characterize what had happened on Starkiller. 

The doctor carefully avoided eye contact now as she finished brushing her hands over Rey’s ticklish feet. “Yes, the encounter with Kylo Ren,” she clarified.

“Oh,” Rey said, still not sure exactly what encounter was in question. She had attacked him almost as much as he had her, or that’s how it seemed. Honestly, it already felt like something from a dream, or a nightmare depending on perspective.

Dr. Ixx took a seat on the rolling stool again, and crossed her legs. Her posture was ramrod straight, like someone who’d served in the military. “Do you mind if I ask you a few more questions now?”

Rey shrugged, feeling uneasy for the first time in the doctor’s presence. “I guess?” She pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged them with her arms. “There’s not really much to tell.”

The doctor swiped the holopad to a new screen, ready to take notes. Rey spied what looked like questions with spaces for text input. “Your medical history is private, Rey, no one sees it except you, and authorized medical service staff here on the base, or within the Resistance. Okay?” she raised one eyebrow, expecting a reply. 

“Uh huh,” Rey swallowed. Who would even be interested in _her_?

“Of course, stop me with any questions you have along the way, too. Let’s start with your parents,” the doctor threw out the question easily. “What do you know about their health?”

Rey shrugged. “Nothing, I never knew my father, and barely knew my mother. I’ve been on Jakku by myself for over a decade.”

“Mmmmhmmm,” the doctor typed as she talked. “Do you know approximately how old you are?”

“Perhaps 19, or maybe 20?” she offered. She didn’t really consider her age often. 

“Good,” Dr. Ixx encouraged her, “That’s a good age to be -- lots of time left ahead of you. And do you know how old you were when your menses started?”

Rey looked quizzically at the doctor. “My menses?” She had never heard the word. 

The doctor typed a short phrase in her notes before answering her without looking her in the eye. “Yes, do you regularly experience a discharge of blood and small tissue matter from your body?”

 _Oh_ , Rey blushed. _They had to talk about that_? “Um, mmmhmmm.” Words failed her in her embarrassment. So it was something that happened to other humans, then. 

“That’s good,” Dr. Ixx nodded confidently. “Means everything’s working in your body. And for how long now? Are the occurrences at regular intervals?”

Rey looked away, down at her feet under the blanket as she thought back to the hashes on the wall, combined with her alternate timeline that she’d begun as the bleedings has started plaguing her. “Well,” she calculated slowly, picturing one wall, then the other in turn. “Every 29th or so day cycles, for maybe 2.5 planetary revolutions?”

Doctor Ixx looked at her expectantly, then added, “Ok, so quite recently then if you’re correct about your age. Not unexpected though, given food scarcity in your situation.” She made another note before diving directly to the next question. “Have you had any sexual partners, and if so, how many?”

Rey stared at her feet further to avoid eye contact. It was embarrassing how she felt like she was failing the doctor with every question. She had no idea what this question meant, either. It was compounded by the fact that she could feel Dr. Ixx’s slight confusion at her ignorance through the Force. It wasn’t frustration, so much as a curious disbelief. Was she such a curiosity? “Sorry?” she offered.

Doctor Ixx tapped her index finger against the holopad in the blank spot. “Right,” she clarified, “Do you feel you have a preference for men or women as partners? Or both?”

“I’m sorry,” Rey said again, “I really don’t know what you mean.” 

“That’s alright,” Dr. Ixx look bemused and chuckled a little, “You’re what we’d call a late bloomer. You just have a little… catching up to do. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you,” she reassured. “I can give you some reading material, if you like.”

She nodded quickly. Reading. She liked reading.

“So Rey,” Dr. Ixx sounded slightly hesitant now, “Do you feel like talking about what happened while you begin held on Starkiller base? If not, I can come bac--”

“Now’s fine,” she said curtly. “It’s as good a time as any.” 

Dr. Ixx closed her eyes gently in agreement. “That’s great. Would you like to give me an account in your own words? I’m just going to take some notes as you talk.”

Rey’s stomach dropped, and she straightened her spine against the feeling as she hugged her knees more tightly to her chest. “Um, I ran into the forest after the air attack began on Takodana, and then he--Kylo Ren-- caught up with me,” she was acutely aware of how dumb it sounded in this condensed version. “He knocked me unconscious somehow, and when I woke up, he was there to…. interrogate me?” _Why did she say it like a question_? “He wants the map to Luke Skywalker’s location, the one that’s in BB-8’s memory bank, and I’d seen it, but I was able to fight him off--”

“Ok, good,” Dr. Ixx gracefully interrupted her. “Let’s back up just a second. You said you became unconscious on Takodana. How did that happen?”

Rey shook her head vigorously, but silently. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “One second I was standing there, but he’d bound me in place somehow, and then the next thing I knew, I was on the base. Although, I don’t know it, I didn’t know where I was at all,” she could feel the tide of panic beginning to well in her again.

As if she could sense it in Rey, Dr. Ixx put her free hand on Rey’s back then and rubbed it soothingly. The sensation was completely foreign but it settled the flighty feeling that was twisting her core. “That’s fine, traumatic situations are frequently confusing. It’s our body’s way of telling us something’s wrong and keeping us safe. So you fought Kylo Ren off during interrogation how, exactly?” 

How _had_ it been, _exactly_? In her mind, that word applied to mechanical objects, metal and glass and transistors and things she knew like her own hands, not the slippery mess of emotions and feelings she’d experienced when they had been together. She _supposed_ it was with the Force, everyone around her was suddenly talking about it like it really was a real thing. “I…. I can’t explain it,” she finally looked at Dr. Ixx’s kind, weathered face. “With my mind, somehow. He was going through my memories with his mind, and I was able to turn it back on him, do the reverse? He wasn’t expecting it at all, I don’t think, and it made him….. angry,” she assessed. 

Dr. Ixx nodded at this, tapped on the holopad. “That was very brave of you, Rey,” her voice was low. “You could’ve been injured much worse.”

Rey could feel Dr. Ixx’s relief through her energy, and wondered at what that comment meant, _exactly_. “I guess so,” she said. “So then they moved me to a cell, and brought me something to eat, and he came to visit me in there again.” Her stomach dropped when Dr. Ixx’s eyebrows shot up as she processed Rey’s comment. “But, he just sat there with me, watching me eat, and it was really weird but, I was just so…. hungry,” Rey felt silly at the confession, “It wasn’t until he left that he read my mind again.”

“And what happened that time,” Dr. Ixx asked cautiously. She seemed like she already knew the answer to her own question, and regretted having to ask it.

Rey considered carefully how to describe the second incident. She had a sinking feeling, knew from the doctor’s previous line of questioning, that the things he’d seen in her head were of interest to the doctor too, her _private_ things, and now she was struck by the devious sensation of feeling like she had to defend this knowledge of his knowing it from the doctor. The fewer people who knew about that, the better. “Well,” she said at last, “I wasn’t... able to defend myself the second time.”

Her admission hung in the air lamely as Dr. Ixx made notes for what felt like an entire baking day under Jakku’s burning sun. 

“Rey,” Dr. Ixx finally cleared her throat authoritatively, “The Resistance leadership may have more questions for you about your captivity, since this was a military encounter and these… incidents are formally reported to Senate governance bodies. It’s a formal nod at the Order following a code of conduct that we know they don’t,” she explained, a hint of exasperation creeping into her voice, “But we have to play by their rules.”

Rey nodded silently. So more uncomfortable questioning, she supposed. “Okay.”

“I’m going to recommend you speak with my colleague,” Dr. Ixx went on, “She’s a psychologist and you might find talking about this incident to be helpful. When you’re ready, of course-- no need to overwhelm you with that just yet. Before I make my report final, I just have to ask one more question, and I’m sorry, I know it’s uncomfortable.”

Rey just stared at her. “Uh huh,” she swallowed hard. 

“Thanks,” Dr. Ixx said. “Rey, at any point during your captivity, did Kylo Ren, or any other First Order personnel, physically assault you? We know about your fight immediately before Chewbacca rescued you, he saw the very end of that,” she quickly assured Rey, “But while you were alone, I mean?”

Rey blushed, and blushed hard, realizing how the insane mind reading story might sound like some kind of cover up to someone who hadn’t been there. And again, she thought of his strange comment to her: _You know I can take anything I want_. Why did she feel so ashamed all of a sudden? It was the truth, as crazy as it sounded to her own ears. “No,” she whispered forcefully, finding her vocal cords suddenly useless as a hot ball of anguish froze them. “It wasn’t like that, I’m fine.”

Dr. Ixx nodded once more, “Ok, that’s what I thought, I just have to ask these things-- I know it’s awkward. That’s very good, the scans our droid took confirmed you’re unscathed. Maybe a little shaken up, but physically in good shape,” she concluded.

Rey nodded wordlessly and smoothed her palms up and down her shins through the blanket. She gave a wan smile to Dr. Ixx, trying to convey how alright she really was.

Dr. Ixx continued typing silently on her holopad for several more seconds before adding, “Alright, I’m going to put you on a course of vitamins, some mild painkillers until your muscles can heal completely, and I’ll have the droid come back and administer the standard contraceptive implant. Sound alright?”

“What does a…. an implant….do?” She felt stupid having to ask, that she had no idea there were still so many words she didn’t know.

“It protects you from communicable diseases-- ones spread through contact-- and from pregnancy, if you do choose to become sexually active,” Dr. Ixx stated matter-of-factly. “You’ll be able to read up on it in the holo that we’ll prepare for you, and again-- let me know if you have questions, okay?” Dr. Ixx smiled then. “Rey, you’re going to be fine. Really.”

She stood without further comment and made her way to the door. “Try to get more sleep if you can.”

The door latched closed behind her, and Rey felt more alone than she had in years.

* * *

Big kudos to trebia for coming up with this whole contraceptive-implant genius!


	4. Chapter 4

**Hux had not stopped talking** since they began the interminable shuttle ride back to the Finalizer.

His diatribe against Kylo Ren ranged a gamut of topics, from his dim estimation of the utility of the Knights of Ren to the First Order, to his scoffing disbelief in the power of the Force itself, to his doubt of Supreme Leader Snoke’s wisdom in general, to the prominence of Ren’s very ears. 

Kylo Ren had long since tuned him out, first attending to his split cheek with a thick smear of bacta from the meager medical kit, then locking himself in the tiny ‘fresher to gingerly peel his blood-soaked tunic away from the edges of his wounded side with what passed for a modicum of privacy aboard the crowded shuttle. Hux’s ceaseless commentary on his failings was annoying, but the silent looks of disgust from the few remaining brass who’d escaped Starkiller with them were worse to endure. He had to shutter himself from feeling them in the Force, it was making him so uncomfortable. He relied the technique so much, it felt like one of his hands had been cut off: a whole line of sensory input was temporarily gone. 

The cloth was stuck to the deepest part of the wound, and Ren grimaced as a wave of nausea swept over him as he tugged it away from the center of the oozing, searing burn. He examined it carefully in the warped mirror, testing it with his fingertips to see where the worst of it was. 

He groaned as he determined that his floating rib on the left side might be fractured, and the burn was nearly the size of his hand with his fingers spread wide. As physical injuries he’d sustained went, it was certainly one of the worst. 

Still, he thought as he sprayed antiseptic onto it and breathed hard through his mouth to keep from yelling as he smeared another glob of bacta on the open wound, he’d been fortunate to survive the shot from Chewbacca. They’d been far enough away on the maintenance catwalk that the bolt had not been full strength, nor had Chewbacca’s aim been accurate at that distance. He had been-- he hesitated to use the word--lucky. 

He didn’t know any words, though, for what had happened after that in the woods. FN-2187 fighting him, with Vader’s saber no less, was destined to be futile. The traitor had managed to score a glancing hit on his shoulder, but it was the girl’s sudden strength that he should’ve anticipated. What was _wrong_ with him that he had underestimated her so severely twice in such a short period of time? Her technique was understandably untutored, but when he’d seen how fiercely she tried to hurt him to avenge her fallen friend, he’d again felt a distracting, hot wash of desire to teach her instead of fighting her. She had no idea the amount of power she held in her slender limbs. 

A sharp knock at the door interrupted his thoughts. “Some of the rest of us might want to use the ‘fresher,” Phasma’s metallic, modulated voice reached him. “If you’re done jerking off in there.”

A chorus of snickers from the remaining crew stilled when he slammed the door open, still half undressed. “Does any of you care to say anything to my _face_ ,” he snarled. “We have plenty of time in this hunk of junk.”

He looked slowly from face to face, lingering until every one of them looked away or wouldn’t meet his eyes. Several of them glanced at his wound and their expressions darkened, an eyebrow or two was raised, but no one offered to help him. 

A few of the other survivors shifted uncomfortably in their seats, but said nothing. 

“That’s what I thought,” he remarked, and gently shut the door again behind himself.

He took his sweet time after that. It would not do to come limping out in this state, looking like something half-dead that had crawled out the woods. It was bad enough already that his helmet was long gone into the guts of the imploded base. The indignity of sharing these close quarters with others for whom he felt no affinity, let alone much sense of fidelity, was a lot to swallow right now. 

Ren tore open an antiseptic prep pad with his teeth and delicately extracted the small square of gauze. It felt absurdly tiny in his long hands, but he used it as best he could to mop the dried blood off his cheek and jawline. Again-- he was stupid _lucky_. The saber was too big for her, and she hadn’t had enough control over her Force push to aim remotely accurately. But she’d only missed his neck by inches. It could’ve gone differently too easily. By now the pad was well soaked in his blood and he still had a large smear of blood on his cheek. He peered at his wounded cheek in the mirror; it would undoubtedly scar, but hopefully not badly with this application of bacta so soon afterwards. The fruity note of the stuff made him notice his stomach growling slightly. 

Once more he dared to peek at his side. The edges of the wound were already becoming pink, and the worst, deepest part of the burn was beginning to heal over. He used the already-ruined antiseptic pad to scour some of the rivulets of dried blood from the side of his abdominal muscles, grimacing as he got close to the edges of the wound. Perhaps hitting himself had not been the best course of action. It occurred to him then he might have broken his own rib in doing so.

Slowly he pulled his tunic back on, not bothering with his belt. This he slung over his shoulder, then grabbed his outer robe, drew it around him and pulled the hood up as far over the edges of his face as he could. He glanced at himself in the mirror once more. Objectively speaking, he knew he looked awful. He wondered briefly if the girl-- _Rey_ \-- was damaged from their fight, but stopped himself short of feeling regret for his actions. 

Outside the fresher, he made his way unhurriedly to one of the few bunks available on the shuttle. Reclining delicately, Ren pulled the hood of his robe over his eyes, closing them for what felt like the first time in years. This had a been a very long day.

* * *

Hours later, he started awake from a dream, and would’ve sworn he’d felt Chewbacca’s hand on his head. The sensation subsided as he slowly caught his bearings, but even as he relaxed again, he couldn’t shake the strange, physical trace his dream left. As he curled onto his good side to relieve the pressure on his injured one, he noticed his upper back and shoulder blades ached terribly. 

He then recalled the faint sting he’d felt as he’d uncuffed her in her cell, how his own wrist had burned at seeing the scrape on her own. What the kriff was this? Hours had passed since they’d been near one another, but he would swear he could still sense her through the Force, a glowing, bright beacon in the vast sea of living energy. He tested the wound on his cheek with his finger, and found it to be scabbing over. 

The smell of the bacta was making him hungry, and that in turn only made him think of her more.

* * *

**Rey stood in the sizeable med ‘fresher** , trying to decide how the shower worked. After the droid had returned and inserted the implant in the crook of her elbow before she’d had time to object, the kindly medic had come back to suggest she get cleaned up. 

“Take as long as you like,” Nice Eyes said. “You’ve got nowhere to be at the moment.” With that, he’d pointed her in the direction of the fresher that was attached to the room. He’d also left a small holopad on the chair of the room without comment. She was so curious to see what was on it, but also apprehensive. That could wait.

It felt good to stand again, and she shifted from one foot to another as she examined the options for cleansing herself. _Sonic_ , she traced the outline of the letters beneath the button with the tip of her finger. 

_Water_ , she read beneath the other, and glanced up at the showerhead suspiciously. Water from… up there? The thought of enough water to wash her whole self seemed decadent at best, downright wasteful at worst.

Eventually her curiosity outweighed her conscience, and she drew the flimsy shift over her head in one motion, tossing it onto the toilet and pulling the curtain around her in the shower stall. She drew the bands from her hair and slipped them over her hand to her wrist as always for safekeeping. She pressed the water button and shrieked in surprise when the spray hit her head. It was unexpectedly cold, and she stepped back out of the stream for a moment, instinctively covering her chest with one arm while testing the water again with her other hand. It warmed, slowly, and finally she dared to step back beneath the falling water. 

Rey laughed at the foreign, ticklish sensation of water soaking her hair, going into her right ear a bit. She tilted her head to the other side to avoid it, only to get a bit in the other. Turning her face up to the spray, eyes closed, she opened her mouth and let it fill with water and for once, didn’t swallow it. She let it run out, hot over her chin and down her throat, placing her hand around her own neck and feeling the water run over the back of her hand. 

She looked at her hands then, noticing how dirty they were, coated with a base layer of grime around her nails and fingertips. A small ledge in the shower contained a tube of antiseptic soap, and she squeezed a healthy gob of the sharp-scented stuff into her palm. The smell of it cleared her sinuses as she rubbed herself with it. Once that had rinsed away, she took another portion of the soap and this time, rubbed it into her hair. 

The sensation of her fingers on her wet scalp was intoxicating, and she felt as though she could’ve stood there washing her hair forever. A pang of guilt struck her as she went back for seconds, and washed more quickly a second time. 

Reluctantly, she lingered under the hot spray a few minutes longer before guiltily shutting it off. She found a towel waiting for her on a hanger in the back of the door, and she wrapped it around herself after wiping herself dry. She wiped the condensation from the mirror with her hand and stared at her reflection. 

Her hair hung in dark hanks, still dripping water from the shower, almost to her collarbones. It had been longer until recently when she’d found a new cutting tool in an old destroyer and wanted to test it out; hacking off her hair seemed as good an option as any. Her face and upper chest was fairly freckled, and she grimaced at her reflection to look at her teeth. They looked alright, she supposed, small and even and none missing. 

Then she slowly undid the towel, and instead of looking down at her body, she looked at herself in the mirror. The experience of gazing at her reflection instead of directly at her body felt strange, as though she were looking at someone else than herself. She could make out the outline of her ribs when her breathing stretched her skin taut. Her breasts, if she was honest with herself, were quite small. She didn’t see much difference in them since she’d grown older, but had noticed how sensitive they’d become, some times more than others. Her hipbones jutted out sharply, and her muscular legs narrowed to her knobby knees. The mirror was too high up to see her feet. She slowly turned to inspect her back over her shoulder, noting the sizeable scar that went over one shoulder blade from her mid-back, awarded to her when her rope had unexpectedly broken once as she descended into a tight port and fell against a jagged piece of durasteel. Her eyes traced the curve of her spine to where it ended in the soft triangle at the top of the cleft of her rear, then assessed her smallish but even buttocks.

Finally her self-consciousness reared its head at her momentary indulgence of vanity, and she turned away to finish drying, wondering what she might wear now. She pulled the scratchy medical shift back over her head, wrapping the towel around her hair in a makeshift turban to dry it further.


	5. Chapter 5

**As their shuttle docked** in the cavernous landing bay of the Finalizer, Kylo Ren could sense a palpable shift in the energy of the Force. His fellow passengers grew restless and the anger he could feel them harboring towards him began to sharpen. He couldn’t wait to get off the craft and back to his quarters. He’d finally replaced his belt as he’d stood from the bunk, smoothing his clothes into the best order they could be given the circumstances. 

With his hood still shielding the edges of his bloodied face, Ren jostled at the door next to General Hux, each vying to be the first to disembark. Ren suspected Hux would run straight to Master Snoke to spin a yarn about exactly whose fault it was that Starkiller Base was now an asteroid field. Let him. Ren had a different plan in mind. 

“I can’t wait to see your face at your court martial,” Hux said low, almost under his breath. “There’s no way you’ll be able to worm your way out of this one.”

“Why would anyone continue to follow a _general_ who can’t keep his army’s main asset from being destroyed by a raggedy band of traitors?” Ren hissed back. 

They glared at each other as Captain Phasma approached from behind. 

“Gentlemen,” she purred, “May I suggest you keep a lid on it in front of my troops?” The gangway opened automatically and rows upon rows of troopers snapped to attention at the sight of Phasma lurking in the shadows. 

“And may I remind you, Captain, that it was one of _your troops_ who went rogue in the first place and assisted Dameron from escaping?” Hux’s fury was barely contained at this point. 

“I told you _both_ we should’ve used clones,” Ren added needlessly.

Neither Hux nor Phasma said a word as they proceeded out of the ship, and Ren had to bow his head to suppress a satisfied smile.

* * *

**Rey traced her fingers** over the back of Finn’s hand. It was slightly cold to the touch in the recirculated air of the room, which was much cooler and drier than the muggy, warm air outside. Rey preferred the interior to the steam bath that outside represented this late afternoon. 

The monitoring equipment beeped softly and steadily, a light display pulsing with each weak beat of Finn’s heart. Dr. Ixx had left them alone after checking on Finn herself and assuring Rey again that he would be alright. But Rey wondered why, if he was fine, they didn’t just revive him now. She longed to debrief with him about the last day. It was hard to believe it had fit into a single day, the way a dream seemed both incredibly long but also short and jumbled up at the same time. But he’d come back for her. That was all that mattered. 

The kind-eyed medic had left a set of slightly too-big clothes for her on the bed when she’d emerged from the shower, and she’d dressed hastily, eager to ditch the med bay-issue garment as a lingering sign of weakness. She did her best to tuck the excess material into the belt, but the cloths fairly dwarfed her petite frame. She looked like a Sand Person who’d just crawled out of the desert. She left her hair down to dry. All things considered, she felt quite well, especially after the cocktail of vitamins and painkillers she’d swallowed. Her back didn’t ache any more, and aside from being unbelievably tired, she felt like she was ready for anything.

She wondered what everyone else was up to, now that Starkiller was destroyed. Was Chewbacca still here? She hadn’t seen him since last night, nor Poe Dameron. He and BB-8 were likely inseparable, so she knew if she found one, she’d find the other. She wondered briefly at the chance of everything that had happened: if only she hadn’t responded to BB-8’s indignant beeps… 

Then a dark wave passed over her, wondering if Kylo Ren had escaped. She studied Finn’s sleeping face and felt a tide of anger growing inside her chest. It was _his_ fault Finn was in this state. And it was _his_ fault Han was gone.

A knock at the door interrupted her reverie, and she turned quickly to see General Organa as the woman opened the door and entered. 

“How is he,” she asked Rey softly, not looking at Rey. She placed her hand on Finn’s cheek in a way that Rey interpreted as motherly concern. 

“The doctor says he’s fine,” Rey said, “But, I don’t see why he needs to stay unconscious if he’s fine.” 

The general raised one eyebrow and pursed her lips, but didn’t make a comment on Rey’s assertion. “You look like you could use a walk,” she said instead. “Would you like to get out of here for a bit?”

“Sure,” Rey nodded. “Can I just…. leave?” She wasn’t sure how any of this worked.

“Dr. Ixx told me you were cleared if you felt up to it,” General Organa smiled slightly. “I see they gave you the standard-issue civilian rags. Not the most flattering, huh?” 

Rey smiled and looked down at herself with a shy laugh. “Ah, they’re probably a lot cleaner than my old clothes.” She picked up the holo with her reading material and tucked it gently under her arm. She glanced reluctantly back at Finn once more before turning away.

General Organa held the door open for her as they exited to the hallway and lead the way to the outside door. They stood outside for a moment, eyes adjusting to the bright sun. The humidity was completely foreign to Rey, and she felt sweaty just standing still. 

“Let me show you around,” the general placed one hand in her vest pocket. “People are eager to get a look at you.” 

“At….me?” Rey was confused. “Why?”

“You saved BB-8,” General Organa smiled at her like she was daft to have forgotten. “If you hadn’t picked him up on Jakku, who knows if we’d have ever found Luke.”

“Oh,” was all Rey could say.

* * *

**Kylo Ren proceeded straight** to his quarters, the impact of each step jostling his injured side painfully. The bacta was helping, but he’d lost a lot of blood and felt decidedly weak. He kept his eyes straight ahead, not acknowledging the petty officers he passed on his way and ignoring the whispers he heard as he swept through the hallways. He rarely appeared without his helmet in front of First Order personnel. He rounded the corner to the wing where the officers’ rooms were, and pressed his hand to the access panel. 

Safely inside, he heaved a deep sigh and set about undressing. He threw the damaged tunic straight in the trash compactor chute. There was no sense in keeping a top with a giant hole burned in it. Entering the ‘fresher, he peered again at his cheek as he waited for the water to warm in the shower.

The slice from her wild swing had cut him from cheekbone to nearly the corner of his mouth, and while it was pink under the goo of the bacta, it would be noticeable for some time to come. His side ached considerably, and now that he was alone and could be completely honest with himself, his pride was fairly damaged as well. He was well aware of how their fight to the draw would look to anyone who hadn’t been there. 

He stood under the spray, leaning with both palms outstretched against the tile as the water ran down his back. Blood colored the water that swirled around his feet for several minutes as the remaining caked bits came loose and washed away, the healing salve along with it. Looking down at his side, he could see a spot in the wound that was continuing to bleed slowly, a tiny rivulet of blood escaping with each beat of his heart. He closed his eyes against the water and ran his hands through his hair. All he could see with his eyes closed was her face, wet with snow and sweat and so _alive_ with her fear and hatred for him. The fact that she’d seen the map to his uncle’s bolthole felt almost secondary to his new idea of harnessing her power in the Force to him. Thickly, through his haze of exhaustion, he began forming his counter-attack to arguments that could be raised against his nascent plan.

* * *

**Rey and the General made the rounds** of the base, which was considerably larger than Rey had originally thought. A number of well-disguised buildings lurked in the edge of the dense forest, bunkers and hangars half-submerged in hillsides covered with grass to camouflage them from aerial surveillance. The X-Wings tied down outside on the tarmac had netting thrown over their tell-tale wings to hide them from prying eyes. 

“You can never be too careful,” the general said wryly when she caught Rey staring at the fortifications. “I hate to say ‘I told you so’, but we’d been telling the Senate for years that Starkiller was not a normal base.”

Rey nodded silently. The general had said very little on their walk besides explaining what this or that building was. 

They were walking a path along a still lake when the General finally asked, “Is anyone waiting for you back home? You’re not obliged to stay here if you don’t want to.”

Rey stopped suddenly, and General Organa stopped and turned back to face her. “I…. I was always waiting for them to come back,” Rey admitted, and for the first time aloud, “But I don’t think they’re ever coming for me.” Tears welled up in her eyes at her confession, and she was surprised when the general closed the gap between them and simply placed her arms around Rey. 

The sensation of being hugged was overwhelming. Rey could not hold in her sobs and she felt embarrassed that her tears were wetting the general’s shoulder. Leia cupped the back of her head lightly in one hand and murmured, “You’re alright, shhhhhhh.”

Drawing away finally, the general fished a small handkerchief out of her breast pocket and handed it to Rey. “Listen, Rey, if there’s anything I’ve learned in my time in this crazy galaxy, it’s that the family you make is as important, if not more important, than the one you’re born into.” She raised her eyebrows at Rey in amusement. “Hell, I was your age before I found out I had a another set of parents and a sibling.”

Rey stared at her and the question hung between them, begging to be asked. “General,” she hesitated, “You and Han had… have… a son?” 

General Organa cocked her head to one side and a smile quirked the corner of her mouth. “How did you know that?”

Again Rey felt shy and a bit lame explaining what she felt she barely understood. “I saw you--both of you-- in his memories.”

Leia nodded silently at this. She opened her mouth several times, as though about to comment, only to close her mouth and lapse into silence again. At last she replied, “I’m sorry that happened, Rey. I know it’s selfish to ask, but-- how did he seem to you?”

Rey didn’t know how to respond to this, not at all. Answering would force her to consider Kylo Ren as a person, and that wasn’t something she was sure she actually believed. But, she knew the general was asking out of an instinctual parental concern that no logical arguments could overcome. She finally answered as honestly as she could. 

“Angry.”

The general simply nodded, looking at the ground. She felt sad, Rey could detect it immediately, but surprisingly angry at herself as well. “We’ll talk about it more tomorrow, at the debrief. C’mon, there’s someone I’d like to introduce you to. We’ve got a room lined up for you, but you’re going to be sharing-- I think you’ll like your roommate.” 

Rey followed silently a few steps behind General Organa, pondering this development. She had never had to share her living quarters with anyone, and wasn’t sure if this was desirable situation for normal people, or a necessary concession to military life. What if this person didn’t like _her_? She had never been around this many other beings in her life, and it made her feel more alone than ever. Her anxiety was rising in her stomach again as she glanced across the water towards the low-slung building they were heading towards. She tucked the holopad higher into her sweating armpit and wondered when she’d ever have time to read it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Any trace of anxiety** Rey had been holding in her midsection dissipated the moment her roommate bounded out of the rec room where she had been lounging with a few others whom Rey assumed to be pilots when the General beckoned. 

“Hey!” She exclaimed, grabbing Rey’s hand in a similar fashion as Poe Dameron, her brown eyes shining. “It’s so good to finally meet you, I’m Jess-Jessika- but call me Testor.” 

“I’m Rey, pleased to meet you,” Rey replied, unable to hold back a genuine smile at the young woman’s bubbling enthusiasm. It was infectious, feeling it coming off her in waves through the Force. “How are you?”

“Oh, _man_ ,” Testor said breathlessly with a roll of her eyes, “I’m amazing! I’m still high from that mission yesterday, honestly. How ‘bout you, I heard you kicked some ass up there yourself!” 

Rey could see the General suppressing a smile beside her, but a small smile was quirking the corner of her mouth. “Jessika, can you make sure Rey gets back to Central Command tomorrow morning by ten hundred? We need her back for a briefing.”

Testor nodded vigorously. “Of course, will do!” With that she turned back to Rey and continued speaking, “So tell me all about it! Chewie told us you busted the Falcon off of Jakku? That must’ve been such a trip-- I would kill to fly her sometime!” 

Rey shrugged, again struck by the sense of needing to be modest in the face of this praise. “It wasn’t the best, but we made it.”

“I wanna hear all about it,” Testor said enthusiastically. “Lemme show you where my--our room is, ok? And you can borrow some of my clothes, too -- those wouldn’t fit you if you weighed twice what you do.” Testor was already leading her away down the hallway like she’d forgotten General Organa was even there. 

“Ten hundred!” The General’s reminder echoed behind them. 

Testor turned and walked backwards a few steps, saluting the General curtly before linking her elbow through Rey’s and continuing to talk. “You can say no, but the flyboys and I are still celebrating tonight, if you feel like having some drinks. If you feel like it, of course,” she added, “You might still be tired, huh?” 

Rey chuckled and said as nonchalantly as she could manage, “That sounds nice, I’ll have to see how I feel later.” The sun had begun to sink low behind the trees as they’d walked to the dormitory.

“If not tonight, there’ll be another time-- there’s _always_ another time. Those guys love to knock a few back and tell war stories,” Testor obviously took her rebuff lightly. They came to a halt outside a door that was at a bend in the hallway. “This is it- home!” She swung the door open for Rey. “Really, take anything you’d like to wear from the closet. You look like my grandma from the neck down.”

“Thank you,” Rey said earnestly. “It means a lot to me, and thanks for letting me stay with you. I hope I’m not intruding.”

Testor smiled broadly at her. “Kriff, girl, you’re not doing anything! You just got here, and it gets kinda lonely being the only pilot with a pussy in this place, you know what I mean? Just let me know if you need anything, alright?”

With that she turned and bounced back down the corridor. Rey watched her go, her long dark hair swirling behind her. She couldn’t help but smile at the other girl’s breathless energy. It had improved her own mood markedly to meet another young person.

“Oh, and the ‘fresher’s down the hall the other way!” Testor yelled back without turning, pointing out with her left arm before disappearing back around a corner.

“Thank you!” Rey called as she stepped into the room.

* * *

**The ground-level room was quite large** , to Rey’s surprise. She glanced at her roommate’s things, scattered casually about the room, even on the unoccupied side. Clearly Testor had no concerns for others taking her possessions. 

The bed alone seemed half as big as Rey’s quarters in her home on Jakku, and the surface of it was slightly taller than her kneecaps. She peered under it, wondering what all the extra space was for. Everything she owned was gone. Slipping off the borrowed shoes, she tucked them neatly under the end of the edge, out of the way. She sat slowly on the edge of the bed, surprised to find it a bit springy. She bounced lightly and giggled at the sensation of weightlessness it induced in her stomach. 

Finally she was alone, and her curiosity was killing her. She cradled the holo in her hands, laid back on the bed, and began reading. She found the section headings were mostly words she didn’t know, so she read in sequential order. _Section 1: Human Anatomy_. She silently sounded the word out, repeating it several times and noting how her tongue moved against the roof of her mouth. None of the pieces sounded like ones she knew. 

Inherently, Rey had known that human men and women were configured differently, but how much so had her eyebrows in her hairline almost instantly. She peered at the blue-lined outline diagrams of woman and man side-by-side, delicate lines extending from various parts of their bodies with yet more words she didn’t know. Tracing her finger along the outline of their bodies rotated them slowly in a semi-3D rendering. She noted with a trace of embarrassment how her figure more closely resembled the drawing of the male, particularly around the chest. The female drawing’s breasts hung down against her ribcage in a pleasing semi-circle shape, evenly drawn. She definitely didn’t resembled the male drawing between her legs, though, and she scowled at the strange shapes presented here. She didn’t know what to think of it. It was like finding something interesting in a ship, but not having any idea why it was valuable: better to leave it behind and find something better. 

Rey rolled onto her stomach, propping herself on her elbows and crossing her ankles. She marveled at the list of like words supplied for some of the parts, particularly those between the legs. It was astounding anyone could communicate at all with so many different words for the same things. She would need to study this further, but wanted to see what else her holo contained. 

_Section 2: Reproductive Health_ , she read on the contents page. That sounded dull. _Section 3: Human Sexuality_. Oh, wait-- she recognized the sound of that word from her talk with Dr. Ixx. She hadn’t known how to answer the doctor’s question about that-- what had she called it? Sexual partners? She hovered her finger apprehensively over the link for a moment before tapping it. 

Rey’s eyes raced over the introductory paragraphs, a confusing, non-specific melange of platitudes about the whys for human sexual behavior: reproduction, comfort, expressions of love, caring, commitment, release of tension, exerting power or influence over others, reconciliation. She huffed, frustrated at this textual information. It said lots of things, but not the…. the _what_ of it. She was confused by how much the text emphasized how variable this sexuality was, and how almost anything between consenting partners could be considered sexual, as well as things individuals did by themselves. What in the stars did _that_ mean? From the line of Dr. Ixx’s questioning earlier, she gathered it was something one did in relation to other humans, either men or women. But… she frowned at the words, rereading them.

A mixture of anxiety and confusion were twisting Rey’s stomach now, and she pushed the holo away under the pillow to place her forehead on her arms for a moment. She hated not knowing about things, and this was obviously something that _other people_ around her knew about. She wasn’t in the habit of self-pity or giving herself a break just because she’d grown up alone and untutored. 

Better to start figuring this out, and fast. Resolutely, she pulled the holo back to her with a deep breath. She flicked past the introductory section to the next subtopic.

Rey’s lips worked silently as she sounded out the word for this topic, and she read quickly through more preamble describing how common, how normal, _natural_ even, this activity was amongst humans. Many cultures had myths and taboos surrounding it, heavily influenced by ancient religions and belief systems, and how despite its prevalence, it was secretive and rarely talked about. She had a slow, sinking sensation now that she knew what was coming when she advanced to the next screen. 

“ _Oh_ ,” she said aloud. So there was a word for what she did when she was alone. And it was tied up with this sexual stuff, it turned out. _Masturbation often ends in orgasm, but not always_. She read this sentence several times, her cognitive pathways making a slow but certain connection between the shape of the words and her activities when she was alone.

This was too much. She stood abruptly and paced back and forth in the short aisle between the beds. The rug under her bare toes tickled the arches of her feet. She crossed her arms hard across her middle and bit her lower lip. Forcing herself to stand still, she closed her eyes and bowed her head, chin to her chest, trying to breath deeply. She had to force herself to exhale, wanted to keep holding her breath in some strange self-protective routine. Her agitation kept twisting around the unavoidable and ever more horrifying knowledge that _he had seen her_ doing... _this_. 

More incomprehensible to her still was the idea that thinking of him, thinking of her, was beginning to give her the very sensation in her low belly that lead her to touch herself in the first place. She sank to the floor and sat, cross-legged, running her fingers through the fibers of the rug in a soothing, repetitive way. The slightly numbing sensation calmed her as she began to wonder if he did the same things when he was alone, and how. In her mind’s eye she pictured the blue anatomical diagram overlaid on his tall frame, its explanatory text on the sides. He was human, after all. It was hard to imagine what the rest of him looked like, though, and she felt ashamed at even being curious. Absently, she traced her cheek and jawline where he’d touched her face. The leather of his glove had been cool, but she’d felt the heat of his hand beneath it. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard at the idea of his hand sliding down her neck to the base of her throat, the heel of his hand resting in the notch between her collarbones. In her imagination, it felt both threatening and strangely, terribly arousing, thinking of him touching her so intimately and simultaneously having the power to end her short life, if he so desired. The idea of giving up control to him, to let him touch her that way, caused her heart to beat hard in her ribs. She let his imaginary hand slide lower now, the flat of his gloved palm over her naked breast, imagined how the seams of his gloves would feel as he rolled her nipple between his fing--

She sat bolt upright as a tangible jolt of arousal shot from her chest to between her legs. This was not acceptable to even _think_ ; what was wrong with her? A day earlier, she hadn’t so much as held the hand of another human her own age, until Finn had grabbed her hand back on Jakku in some misguided attempt at saving her, and now she was seemingly infected with a dark, twisting urge to let her enemy, someone who had maimed and killed her only friends, someone who had tortured her, touch her _that way_?

_Nonono, no, no_ , she shook her head and reached her shoes from under the bed. She felt agitated, needed to clear her head. She shoved the offending holo back beneath her pillow. The lingering sensation of Kylo Ren’s phantom gloved hand was a burning trail of shame on her already as she bolted from the room. She burst from the dormitory into the warm night air and headed off down the path along the lakeshore. 

Rey walked at a furious pace, breaking into nervous jog a time or two, putting a considerably amount of distance between the base and herself before slowing to a more normal pace. She found she felt lighter, was able to move more quickly here, with stable ground under foot, than she had in Jakku’s shifting sands. Eventually she came upon a fallen log, and she carefully straddled it, sinking down and staring out at the black water of the lake. A low moon had risen in the west, and its light was reflected on the glassy surface. Rey sighed deeply and shoved her hands inside her too-large tunic for warmth. The air was becoming more chilly now, and she relished the feeling of the moisture in the air on her skin as it cooled. Drawing her knees to her chest, she rested her cheek against her knees, arms circled around her shins. The water made a gentle sloshing sound where small, even waves reached the rocky shoreline. The air had a different smell here than on Jakku; the humidity carried the fecund smell of rotting foliage and wet earth. In the distance, Rey heard a bird sound its cry, and a chorus of others joined it. She wondered what they looked like, if they were different than the spindly, stupid birds that roved the deserts. 

A dark wave passed over her as she thought of the settlement at Tuanul, whose inhabitants had used oil from the birds in their lamps. She’d heard whispers around the Outpost the day before finding BB-8 about what had happened to the village, razed with fire after most of the peaceful, simple people were slaughtered by Stormtroopers. It had seemed incomprehensible that a whole village might be wiped out for believing… what, she hadn’t ever been sure. People at Niima had said their leader was a lunatic, an old shaman who coerced his followers into believing in an unseen, invisible power binding all living things together. It sounded exactly like the kind of thing that folks who had been stranded in the desert babbled about when they eventually stumbled upon civilization, out of their minds with thirst and hunger. The kind of people who had eight names for the various winds that punished the desert terrain and who worshipped the stones in the rocky outcroppings. 

Now though, she had a very clear picture in her mind’s eye of what exactly had happened, how the jumbled pieces of the last several days all fit together. 

It terrified her.

She felt as alone as she’d ever been before, except she was furiously aware of this strange power she apparently held, but didn’t understand. She understood this made her a target, but barely knew _why_. The strength she had felt as she’d fought Kylo Ren seemed to have deserted her entirely now; she tentatively flicked her finger towards a twig lying on the trunk in front of her. Nothing happened. 

She rested her chin on her knees. She could feel the trees, the water, the log -- each resonated a calming, steady energy. But, perhaps it wasn’t calm energy that did _that_ , she reasoned. Each time she’d been able to use her mind to influence, to push and pull, she’d been in danger, under extreme stress. She closed her eyes and forced herself to imagine being back in the interrogation room. She thought of how she’d trembled when he’d touched her face, his own so close she could feel his breath on her cheek as he’d coaxed her: _Don’t be afraid, I feel it too_. The residual fear knotted her midsection, but she resisted pushing it away. She kept her eyes closed and recalled how it had felt when he’d invaded her head, the uncomfortable pressure and her horror at realizing he could see everything in her memory. She flicked her hand again now and heard the twig hit the ground. 

She opened one eye in disbelief, peered at the ground, and sure enough, the twig was resting on the rocks next to her perch. 

Rey heaved a deep sigh. She needed more practice at this. A smile quirked her mouth as she set off back to her room. Pretty soon she’d be worshipping rocks too.

* * *

**By the time she slipped** back inside the door marked 47, Testor was lying in bed, breathing shallowly and occasionally turning restlessly, her torso moving ahead of her boneless limbs. Rey had seen men move this way after drinking too much around the Outpost, their coordination and speech confused as they said barely intelligible, lewd things to her when she passed. She didn’t stir as Rey gently closed the door, disrobed and delicately selected one of the girl’s shirts to sleep in. Rey noticed a trace of what she guessed was perfume at the collar as she drew it over her head, a dark, spicy note that reminded her of the medicinal salves Old Traz would rub on her calloused hands to soothe them. 

She slid between the bed clothes and rolled on her side, away from Testor towards the wall, before propping herself up on one elbow and drawing the holo from its hiding place once more. She flicked the screen to life and returned to her spot in the text.

Just as she was beginning to get lost in the details again, she heard Testor stir sharply and mumble, “Is it morning yet….?”

She shoved the holo beneath the pillow to hide its glare and replied, “No, sorry -- go back to sleep, I was just reading.”

Testor shook her head slowly without opening her eyes. “Mmmmmmmpf. Turn on the dark, mmmmkay? Ten hundred.”

Rey waited several agonizing minutes before she thought to draw the covers over her head to shield the light from her holo. It was stuffy under the blankets, but she would not be denied. Her thirst for this knowledge outweighed her discomfort. 

Over an hour later, she finally pushed the holo back into its resting spot and came up for air. She shifted onto her back, staring at the ceiling. Every time she closed her eyes, the blue technical diagrams hovered in her mind’s eye, unbidden, waiting to jolt her back from her attempts to sleep. 

Unlike the revelatory confirmation that her activities were completely normal, her burgeoning sense of how men and women’s bodies might fit together left her… she didn’t know what to feel about it. She felt a touch stupid for not having known any of this until now, and disappointed at herself for not being able to see before, to imagine how the parts were compatible. How many mechanical objects had she taken apart? The concept was the same, she’d seen it repeated countless times. Form followed function. One piece fits into the other. It was so logical, and yet…

She simply couldn’t _imagine it_. The questions outweighed the certainties in her mind, and it upset her. What if she didn’t know what to do, when the time came? What if the other person wanted to do something different? How did you agree? Did you even _need_ to agree? The text seemed to place a lot of emphasis on consent, and she had a dim line of understanding between that concept of control and the one that this act was burdened with myriad meanings for power between people.

_Oh_ , she breathed silently. So _this_ was what Dr. Ixx had been implying with her questioning. Rey narrowed her eyes at the ceiling in the dark. Her cheeks felt flushed as she allowed herself to play out the scenario that had been hinted at. It was wrong, she felt so very deeply, but if so, why was she undeniably feeling the urge to touch herself at the thought of it? It was exquisite torture, having to lay here and not being able to. The specifics of it were fleeting; she found it hard to sequence the actions into a logical chain of events. There were only bits and pieces, some of them crystal clear and others gone before she even grasped their existence. 

She began to feel a dull ache in her side, at the very base of her ribcage, that she ignored to continue thinking what it would feel like to give up control to her enemy, and what he might do to her if he did the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! This chapter owes a lot to public health texts, namely the stuff on Planned Parenthood's website.
> 
> And... I couldn't resist a '47' reference! :)


	7. Chapter 7

**He felt as though** he had been asleep for days when the Supreme Leader’s command jerked him awake from a dreamless, shallow sleep. He had lain back on his bunk and closed his eyes out of sheer exhaustion, not meaning to sleep, but had drifted off nonetheless. 

**_Come to me, Kylo Ren. Now._ **

He dressed as hurriedly as he could stand with the lingering ache in his side. Resting had probably done his side good, and a quick glance in the mirror confirmed the bleeding has finally stopped. The bacta was making short work of closing the wounds. 

An older helmet was behind a few things in the wardrobe, and he placed it gently over his face, being careful not to scrape the newly-healed scar on his cheek. It didn’t fit as well as the one that had fallen into the chasm after his father’s body, but there wasn’t time to make any adjustments to it now.

The energy that surrounded him as he walked from the officers’ quarters to the main holoprojection room was a swirling mess. He was hardly in the habit of wasting attention on the stray thoughts of First Order lackeys, but they were thick like a swarm of gnats as he strode nonchalantly past. 

He swallowed hard, his throat parched, at what he heard. A tinge of fear, moreso than usual, colored their sentiments, as news of Han Solo’s death spread like wildfire through the crew. He suspected he’d be earning a few new nicknames over this. 

But a new, vicious undercurrent of disrespect was also lurking just under the surface, and this puzzled him more than their useless feelings about his dead father. How long had he slept? It felt like a tide was shifting against him, carrying him out into deep space. 

Reaching the projection room, he took a deep breath before pressing his gloved hand to the access panel. 

The holo of Supreme Leader Snoke was smaller, but clearer and more robust, aboard the Finalizer than it ever had been on Starkiller. His master still sat superior to him, but they were nearly eye-to-eye when Snoke was seated. 

“Master,” he inclined his head and began to sink onto one knee in a show of deference. 

“Yes, please. Kneel before me now to make up for your disobedience, Kylo Ren,” Snoke’s voice, dripping sarcasm, stopped him halfway to the floor and he crouched awkwardly inbetween. He decided to stand, and risk infuriating Snoke further. 

“Master, please help understand what I’ve done wrong,” he tried. 

“ _I didn’t ask you to speak_ ,” Snoke hissed, and it felt louder than if he had yelled it in Kylo’s face. Kylo Ren felt his blood pressure jump up now, and he flexed his hands nervously. Snoke hadn’t been this angry at him in….

“How many years,” Snoke began pedantically, “How many _years_ , do you suppose it took to convince the First Order that they needed the….. _guidance_ of one of our kind? After the demise of the Empire, no one thought Force-sensitives had any place at their table. While you were but a _whelp_ ,” Snoke spit the final consonant of the word for emphasis, “Suckling at your mother’s teat, I was gathering the allegiance of the remaining Moffs, the ones who had interest in restoring the order and peace this galaxy once enjoyed.”

Snoke stood now and began pacing slowly back and forth. Kylo knew to keep his gaze down, tracking the hem of Snoke’s robes where they brushed the floor. Snoke rarely showed physical agitation at all, let alone this way; Kylo’s stomach began to knot.

“Of course, how could you understand,” Snoke continued, as though Kylo was a very slow child, “I gave you a goal, and you knew best when to deviate from it.” Snoke placed his long fingers together and chuckled mirthlessly. “Really, your motivations for your actions yesterday are… opaque to me. Perhaps you could explain them to your old, feeble teacher? You suppose you yourself are experienced enough to become a master; perhaps you would like to enlighten me how you plan to do this when you are still an apprentice?”

He knew this was not a question at all, and waited for Snoke to keep going. 

“You had the opportunity to finish this on Takodana,” his master barely paused before continuing in his derision. “The troops gave report that the droid was there for the taking. But you…. No, you choose to let the droid go, supposing instead that you could extract the map from this desert scavenger’s head? But even _that_ was too much for you to manage, I see.” 

“No, the girl is--”

“Silence!” Snoke thundered, and shoved Kylo Ren to all fours with a flick of his hand. “She is a distraction, pure and simple.”

Kylo opened his mouth to protest and immediately felt his windpipe being squeezed. His breath began to make slight wheezing sound and Snoke resumed speaking once a constellation of stars began dance in front of his eyes. 

“Do you think me stupid, Kylo Ren?” Snoke asked rhetorically. “Do you suppose I cannot see where your interest in her lies? How you tarried with her instead of _finishing her_? We could be halfway to wherever Skywalker has hidden himself, but instead, now the entire galaxy’s tongues are both wagging about their long-lost folk hero dying at the hands of the First Order, and you’ve lead our enemies straight to your uncle’s hovel.”

His lungs burned with the air both trapped inside them and the urgent need to suck in a fresh lungful. His head was feeling so heavy, and he could feel the throb of his heart in the new flesh budding on his cheek. All he could picture was her face, flush with triumph after she knocked him back into the snow but hesitated on her fatal blow. He wished, in this moment, that she had killed him. 

“Fascinating,” Snoke shook his head and released Kylo from his death grip. Fresh air rushed into his lungs and he was allowed to sit back onto his heels, frantically sucking burning lungfuls of air. 

“What shall I do with you, Kylo Ren,” Snoke took a seat on his stone chair again. “You are my apprentice, but perhaps there are lessons I am not qualified to teach you myself.”

“Master,” Kylo tried again, and found he was allowed to continue this time. “Forgive me, I should have carried out your wishes as you asked. I only meant to resist the call of the Light, and I used her as bait to draw our enemies to us to be destroyed.” 

Snoke cocked his head to one side, feigning thoughtfulness, and stared at him. “Really,” he drawled. “Your plan was to delay finding the map in her pretty head long enough to use her for your own release from your basest desires, and give her time to escape. That was your plan?”

Kylo pressed his lips together and closed his eyes, swallowing hard. He had long since accepted that Snoke kept tabs on his activities, but it didn’t make it any less awkward have it thrown in his face. “I didn’t anticipate how strong she would be in the Force,” he admitted, “It seems being around me only amplified her abilities. Master, with proper training, I think she could become an as--”

“You should think _nothing_ ,” Snoke interrupted him once more. “How dare you come before me and try to excuse your pathetic failings by offering me… _what_ , exactly? You have neither the map, nor this girl you are seemingly possessed by. What can you possibly offer that would make up for this, Kylo Ren? I’m sure I don’t need to explain how upset the First Order is at the Knights right now. Their precious base is destroyed and their army decimated because _you hesitated_.”

He had a terrible sinking feeling now, that he well and truly might have reached the end of Snoke’s favor. If he didn’t have that, if he didn’t hold the coveted spot that smacked of naked favoritism towards a surrogate son, he knew he had nothing.

“So, Kylo Ren, it has come to this,” Snoke sighed impatiently. “I feel I have raised you, given you shelter, trained you, _trusted_ you, but you have turned your back on my teachings. I am forced to preserve my station and that of your fellow Knights with the First Order. I think you know the First Order would love a scapegoat for this defeat.”

Snoke stopped there, letting the words hang in the air between them. Kylo finally dared raise his face and look up at Snoke. They stared at each other without speaking. He knew better than to prompt Snoke for more, that his punishment would be outlined in exquisite detail so that Snoke could relish his reaction to it. 

“However,” Snoke continued at last, “I was able to secure a compromise of sorts. The First Order may be ignorant on many levels, but even they can be made to see reason.”

Snoke was just toying with him now, he knew it.

“In exchange for their continued…. fraternity, shall we say, they have agreed to spare you the indignity of facing trial in their ridiculous system,” Snoke steepled his spindly fingers as though he were thinking this through for the first time, “And I have agreed to give you a…. visible hiatus.”

Kylo only stared at Snoke. This was not a technique of punishment that had ever been meted out on him. His side was still aching under his tunic and he shook his head gently. “Master, I don’t understand.”

Snoke leaned forwards and peered at him, narrowing his eyes. “I cannot teach a pupil who does not wish to follow my instruction. Therefore, I will not force you to do so. You are to leave at once, Kylo, and do not return until you are ready to complete your training. The First Order has agreed to spare your life and leave you in peace, but so must you them.”

Kylo inclined his head in deference once more, noting instantly that Snoke had not used his full name. So this was it--he was to be exiled? He had managed to find use in most everything Snoke had thrown at him over the years, every torment and physical pain, but this seemed beyond cruel. How was he to benefit from being separated from the very being who had molded him into what he was today? 

“Master, I wish to complete my training now,” he suggested. “Please, let me come to you instead. I understand the First Order may not have use for me any longer, but I…” 

Snoke was silent as Ren fought to find words around the shameful lump that was mounting in his throat. 

“You know I am lost without your guidance,” he admitted. 

Snoke settled back in his chair and bowed his head. “You will be if you don’t heed my advice, Kylo. I will send for you when the time is right. For now, you must go.”

With that, Snoke cut the connection and Kylo was alone in the darkened room.

* * *

**The jungle was hot and still** , and a light sweat broke out across his shoulders and upper back as he battled an imaginary opponent, flowing through the forms alone for the umpteenth time. Trees lost small limbs, ferns curled their leaves, and vines were severed as he slashed his way through a warm-up of Shii-Cho before shifting to Makashi, swinging less wildly now in favor of an intricate dance punctuated by pointed thrusts. It wasn’t his best, but it was getting better. He knew he needed to vary his practice, yet the temptation to return to the forms he excelled at instead was strong. All creatures crave the familiar. He had always found it easier to lash out in the forms that prioritized brute strength and physicality over those that emphasized minute control and defensive postures. 

He went to the woods daily to escape the close, narrow streets of the city, and to practice unseen. He’d forsaken wearing his mask since arriving, preferring to hide in plain sight. No one had seen his face here since he was a child. He frequently stayed until the twin moons had risen low over the trees. He told himself it was only sensible to leave the forest under the cover of night to avoid detection. There was no sense in rushing back to his spartan room, where only another sleepless night, another in which he awoke from his recurring dreams of his father’s face, awaited him. That was the obvious reason to linger.

He brushed a sweaty lock of hair from his forehead and sheathed his saber. 

Just then, he felt her. Her pattern seemed to pick up just as he was leaving off, almost without fail. He sat down to catch his breath and rested his back against a fallen tree, staring up at the light fading from the sky. A few stars had just begun twinkling beyond the treetops, and he wondered where she was amongst them.

If he was honest with himself, the resentment he thought he harbored towards her for his current situation had dissipated long ago. That feeling had since been replaced by a possessive curiosity, a desire to know her better than she knew herself. He could feel her mirroring him, her own dark, inquisitive nature getting the better of her. She feared the idea of dark, but not as much as she did her own ignorance, and it drove her to a wooded clearing where she steeled herself to practice using the Force to her advantage. Rocks were rearranged. Limbs were ripped unceremoniously from trees and tossed into underbrush. The occasional small animal found itself rooted to the spot until she saw fit to release it. She’d cried once as she’d accidentally bound one so tightly that it had died of fright before she could let it run away. She tucked its body into a cocoon of moss and placed a twig in the ground to mark the spot. 

He enjoyed watching her clumsy ministrations grow more precise as she figured out how to channel her rage and confusion at her situation into decently efficient Force maneuvers.

Then there were Rey’s… other activities in the woods. To his mild surprise, her fantasies had taken a vivid turn that was not unwelcome, and he relished the lurid details that haunted her. Unlike her pristine memory he’d uncovered during her interrogation, these new thoughts were a confusing mix of her nascent sense of agency in these acts and her titillating desire to be controlled.

He had been honest when he’d offered to teach her, but he hadn’t intended for her to take it quite this way. A smirk played at his lips as he gently shook his head. 

“Maybe I _am_ a monster,” he said where no one could hear him. If this is what a monster looked like to her, he could live with it.


	8. Chapter 8

**The stuffy air in the hangar** was practically dripping, and Rey was up to her elbows in grease in a malfunctioning T-70 when she caught sight of the Falcon gliding into the landing pad. Chewbacca had made himself scarce in the months since Han’s death, and had visited only periodically, preferring to spend time at Maz’s as she rebuilt after the attack. She was wondering what brought him back to D’Qar when the distraction caused her to slip and gouge the heel of her hand with the spanner she’d been leaning her weight into. She jerked back instinctively and pressed her dirty hand to her mouth, ignoring the level of grime to suck at the blood that welled up under the flap of skin she’d raised. Perhaps it was time for a break.

Just then BB-8 rolled past, tweeting happily at Chewie’s arrival and heading towards the landing pad to greet him. Hand still pressed to her mouth, Rey trailed behind the droid lazily, the humidity sapping her energy to hurry. 

The Wookie descended from the Falcon in a few loping strides and spotted them emerging from the hangar. He roared in greeting, one furry paw lifted in their direction. 

Rey waved her good hand in return and eventually reached the spot where Chewie waited patiently, listening to BB-8’s updates about recent recon missions. 

“Hey, Chewie,” she smiled and closed her eyes as he wrapped her in a giant hug. She could smell the incense from Maz’s in his fur. 

_Good to see you, kid. How’ve you been?_

Rey shrugged noncommittally. She’d been fine, she supposed. Just fine. “Surviving, how about you? How is Maz doing?” 

Chewie let out a cursory yodel. _Maz can serve drinks again. Nothing makes her happier than drinking and talking to people._

“Nothing…?” Rey winked at him. 

Chewbacca looked embarrassed and changed the subject. _Have you seen the General? She requested I come by._

BB-8 whistled and beckoned for them to follow. 

“You two go on,” Rey said. “I’ve got to finish the mess I made in there. But -- catch up with you later, alright?”

Chewie palmed her head, mussing her hair. _See you in a bit._

She stood in the hot afternoon sun, watching the pair until they rounded a corner between two buildings, presumably heading for Central. A trickle of sweat ran between her shoulderblades under her shirt as she made her way back to work. 

Hours later, Chewbacca found her lying in a puddle of hydraulic fluid beneath the craft, cursing a blue streak of Huttese that Testor had taught her once when they were both drunk.

 _Rey?_ Chewie knew better than to surprise humans when they sounded like that. _The General would like to talk to us both. Are you busy?_

Rey hurled her tool out from under the X-Wing with a snarl. It clattered across the concrete floor before coming to rest under the nose’s landing gear. “No, I’m not busy _at all_ ,” she sighed. “Sorry, this craft is a kriffing piece! I swear, it’s in here for repair every other day-- I don’t know what they do with it when they dogfight, but the gear on this side is kriffed up all the time!”

She rolled from under the fuselage towards Chewie’s feet and stood, brushing the dirt as best as she could from her work clothes. “The General wants to see me?” They rarely intersected now that the dust had settled on this new phase of all their lives. The General had been off-world much of the time, attending to matters of reestablishing the Senate, and Rey wasn’t privy to her movements. She felt lucky just to be given anything to occupy her days. 

_C’mon_ , Chewie handed her a sanitizer rag to wipe some of the grease from her fingers. _We’re going to eat dinner with her._

* * *

**To Rey’s surprise** , General Organa’s quarters were barely less spartan that the room she shared with Jessika. The General enjoyed the luxury of a small, extra sitting room and a private ‘fresher, but aside from that, the space was outfitted in much the same way as theirs. Rey felt a greater sense of respect than she’d already had for this woman, knowing that she lived with the same conditions as her reports. 

“Rey,” General Organa gripped her shoulders warmly and kissed her cheek in greeting. “It’s nice to see you, you look… well.” She glanced down at Rey’s arms, dirty to the elbow with mechanical fluids. “Feel free to wash up, dinner’s on its way over.”

“Thanks,” Rey smiled back at her. “It’s good to see you too.” 

She washed for a long time, finally giving up when it became apparent that the base level of grime was not coming off anytime tonight. Her skin felt sticky in the dehumidified, recirculated air pushing through the vents of the General’s quarters. 

“Please, have a seat,” the General indicated the spot at the table next to her, across from Chewie. Rey slipped into the chair and sat on her dirty hands to hide them from view. The food had been delivered as she’d been washing her hands, and the smell of it was intoxicating. Rey still hadn’t fully adjusted to eating non-rehydrated food, and had a tendency to gorge herself before realizing she’d overdone it and would have an upset stomach later. She would have to be careful to eat like a civilized person tonight, even if she was the farthest thing from it. 

Chewie and General Organa began helping themselves without a word, and Rey had a shy sense of intruding on a family dinner. She tried not to wonder about their pasts too much, but it was hard not to read into the situation. 

“Rey,” the general addressed her after swallowing her first bite. “How is work going?”

“Well, thanks for asking,” she tried to sound earnest. She liked mechanical things and liked to work, and it kept her isolated from others for a good portion of the day. It was an adjustment she had yet to fully embrace, being around so many of her own kind so suddenly. “And yours?”

General Organa paused for a moment, glancing at Chewbacca. “It’s…. hard,” she admitted. “We all lost friends and colleagues when the Hosnian system was destroyed, and yet, there are still those who doubt our mission,” she concluded. “No one said diplomacy was easy.”

Rey chewed as slowly as she could bear, relieving herself of needing to comment immediately. She nodded in silent agreement. It seemed like too much for any one person to comprehend. 

“I have the sense you might be getting a bit antsy,” Leia continued. “Like you might want to have a small break?”

“No!” Rey immediately shook her head, “I like it here, I hope I don’t seem unthankful? I’m glad to have work.”

General Organa chuckled and sipped her drink. “You might make a better diplomat than you think, Rey,” she said slyly, a smile playing at her lips. “It’s fine, everyone needs a break sometimes, and you’ve had a lot of change in the last several months. I’m asking because I care what happens to you, and because we need someone to go with Chewie on a short mission. I’d like that to be you.”

Rey looked between them in surprise, her mouth open. “A mission?” 

Chewie looked slightly annoyed, and cocked his head to growl at the general. _Tell her all of it. Sometimes you’re_ just _like him, I swear_.

“All of…. what?” Rey put her fork down and shoved her hands back beneath her thighs. Her gut immediately began to twist.

“Alright, alright,” the general sighed exasperatedly at Chewbacca, her hands raised in gesture of _mea culpa_. “The operation is… twofold. We could run the high-level piece without you, but there is a secondary piece that you’re specifically… suited for.”

Chewie ululated in what Rey interpreted as frustration. _Come on_.

“As you may know,” Leia spoke slowly, “We rely on the good graces of sympathetic organizations and friends to obtain the supplies we need to keep operating here. The Resistance has garnered support, but technically speaking, we’re beyond the pale of the New Republic. Our contacts within the Senate who ensured that our medical supplies, specifically that of bacta, remained uninterrupted, were unfortunately lost on Hosnian Prime. I’m sending Chewie to Thyferra to procure and smuggle back a load of bacta so that we can patch up these laser brains the next time we get into a scrape. Which seems to be… too often,” the general sighed deeply. 

"Alright,” Rey nodded, “I understand, so you want me to go with him? That seems reasonab--” 

“Ok, here’s the second part, the one where you come in,” the general interrupted and looked only at her plate, seeming to steel herself. “We know-- _I know_ \-- that Kylo Ren made it off of Starkiller alive. This has been confirmed both by intelligence sources we have within the First Order and that I can…. feel he’s still alive.” 

Rey had a sinking feeling now. She knew too that Ren had lived, but had carefully guarded the fact that she could still feel his presence just as Leia could. It didn’t surprise her that a mother would know her son was alive, but she was fairly certain this connection she felt to him was an aberration. She said nothing, waiting to hear what was being asked of her. 

“Based on the testimony you gave after you came to us, Rey, I think it’s safe to say that my son has an… affinity for you.” 

The statement hung in the air. Rey looked at her plate now, too, and could see the General glancing at her. 

“I don’t think there’s any way to know what Kylo Ren… feels about me,” Rey said shortly. “What does this have to do with the bacta?” 

“Our sources have let us know that there was rift in the First Order leadership after the Starkiller battle,” General Organa continued. “We’ve known for some time that Kylo Ren appears to have been exiled from the Order, and we believe he’s hiding on Thyferra as well. There’s always been a large human population on the planet in addition to the native species, due to the bacta processing plants, and an old friend who was a smuggling acquaintance of Han’s recently reported seeing a young man there who reminded him of… Han.” 

Chewie stood up from the table, his chair scraping loudly on the uncarpeted floor. He went to the window and stood with his hands laced over his head. Rey could sense his reluctance at this plan. 

“So, you want me to…. what?” Rey asked. She felt especially dense that all this lead-in still hadn’t clarified how she was apparently uniquely qualified to hunt down Kylo Ren. 

General Organa nodded like she’d been anticipating the question. “I spoke to Luke about this before coming to you,” she began, “And he thinks you’re in no danger. The map you saw was only a partial section; it needed to be reunited with the greater sectional that was stored with R2-D2 all along. That’s how we found Luke to return our father’s lightsaber to him." 

Rey was having a hard time comprehending how casually the general used these relational words to the figures she was describing: _my son, our father_. 

“This is why we never invited you to the briefings on that, Rey -- we wanted to ensure your safety. You’re easily gotten to alone but if that information is in all our heads, well…. They’d have to come after all of us,” the general concluded. “We’re trying to figure out if this rift is real, or if Kylo Ren has been sent to Thyferra for more nefarious purposes. The First Order’s most obvious symbol of power has been destroyed, so they need to work in more underhanded ways now to exert their influence. One possible way would be to create a shortage of bacta supply to the galaxy.” 

“You want me to spy on Kylo Ren,” she could not believe her lips were saying those words. “Did you tell Luke that part of the plan, too? What did he say?” 

She caught Chewie shaking his head in her peripheral vision. 

Leia sighed. “Luke is convinced, based on reading transcripts of the testimony you gave, that you two formed a weak bond through the Force during your interrogation. He says probably won’t get stronger unless you interact directly with each other, which you won’t need to for this mission,” she said confidently. “We know you’re one of the few people outside the First Order who’s seen him without his mask on, recently, and if you’re already sensitive to his presence, well…. so much the better to track him.” 

Rey bit on her lips and looked at her plate, pushed the items around with her fork. She had no appetite left, but shoveled a mouthful of mashed tubers in anyway. It only reminded her of her strange meal on Starkiller, and she put down her utensil. 

“And….” the General said brightly, “It seems like you could use a little time off.” She smiled encouragingly, but Rey could feel she was concerned that Rey would not accept this plan. 

Chewie yodeled from his position at the window. _You can say no, they have other ways_. 

“I’ll do it,” Rey said curtly. “When do we leave?” 

General Organa nodded briskly. “Tomorrow morning, and you know this is secret, right?” 

“Of course." 

* * *

**Secretive behavior had become** Rey’s second nature since taking up residence on D’Qar. She often disappeared for long stretches after dinner and before turning in for the night, never really answering anyone’s questions where she stole away to, or why. 

Tonight she wondered, as she traced her familiar route to the clearing amongst the giant conifer trees in the dusk, if she had been wrong to hide the extent of this bond from the General, from the doctors, from anyone who might have cared. Weak was not at all the way she would’ve characterized the sensation of him that she carried with her now, sometimes a beacon and sometimes a burden, but rather a constant, like a star that never set in the sky.

She had absolutely known he had lived. 

She was certain he could feel her too. 

She practiced using her Force powers in practical applications, and had gradually improved. Repetition certainly helped, but there were times when she was sure she could feel him influencing her -- little touches, tiny corrections. 

However, the other activities she took up in the woods were of more immediate concern now, and she had never been certain if he could see these as well. It would’ve been comforting, easy, to believe these came from him, but Rey knew in her heart that these thoughts were her own, and it troubled her how dark they had become as of late. Her initial revulsion at the thought of him having anything to do with her pleasure had quickly given way to a sickening fixation on his participation, to the point where she found she could no longer bring herself to completion without imagining him. The details she’d gleaned from both her reading and from snippets of conversation she caught in the shared showers from the other women had given her fodder for a whole new understanding of what they might do to one another. The forbidden nature of thinking of an enemy this way seemed half the attraction: she _knew_ she shouldn’t have these feelings, but the taboo only sharpened and honed her desire for it. She had made peace of sorts with herself, believing that it was a compromise only she need know of. She didn’t expect anyone else to understand, or even need to. 

Despite what her readings had repeatedly emphasized about mutuality and consent and trust in these acts, Rey’s most recent imaginings had taken a distinctly submissive bent, and she found it undeniably, unspeakably erotic. She was aware it had tipped beyond merely thinking of the things she thought she might enjoy someone doing to her, into the realm of taking pleasure by having little or no say in what was being done.

She sank to her knees on the carpet of moss and leaned her forehead on her arm against a fallen log. Her eyes closed automatically as she pictured it. In her mind, he knelt behind her, hovering so close she could feel his body’s heat near her back, but not giving her the satisfaction of touching her. Always now she imagined him mostly clothed and herself, in whatever state of undress he found most suitable. She shuddered with want as his gloved hand brushed her hair aside to expose the span between her neck and shoulder, traced the scar over her shoulder blade through her shirt and trailed slowly down the knobs of her spine to the cleft at the top of her buttocks. His other hand gripped her hip firmly, his fingers curled around her hipbone. She wouldn’t have dared move on her own, but he held her in a way that let her know he would place her as he liked.

His free hand ghosted down her bare arm from her shoulder to her wrist, where he covered her hand with his. He wrapped their arms around her body, under her untucked tunic to cover her bare breast, rubbing in slow circles, feeling her nipple harden with a prickling sensation under her own palm. She wanted to move back, to lean into him, but he held her taut by her hip, just aways away from him.

“Rey,” his voice was gravelly through the modulator of his helmet. She no longer pictured his pale face flecked with dark freckles, but imagined instead the imposing anonymity of his mask. “Take off your pants,” he commanded slowly. 

Her fingers of her free hand trembled as she undid the button and slid the zipper down, wriggling slightly to work the waistband over the small swell of her bottom as he released her temporarily to follow his order. She pushed them down as far as her position would allow, ending up with them puddled between her knees. 

His grip on top of her own hand tightened slightly, and the leather of his gloved fingers laced between hers pinched her skin. Her breath caught at the sensation, and she heard how his own breath became slightly less regular as he moved forward and mercifully drew her against the length of his body. He circled his free hand around her body, and he nestled his head against hers to peer over her shoulder down her torso. His hand rubbed lazily over the lower half of her stomach, beneath her navel, and she could feel a desire so total, so consuming mounting in her that it felt like something heavy pressing the air from the bottom of her ribs. Instinctively she arched her back to press her hips back and towards him, and she could feel his arousal pressing hard against her low back. 

“You have to hold still,” he said simply. His hand continued its maddening traces back and forth over her belly, finally dipping low enough to cup her between her legs momentarily before fanning out over the softness of her inner thigh. He moved their hands first to her other breast, then down her to band their forearms across her ribcage. The material of his sleeves was slightly scratchy against her ticklish sides and she fought the urge to squirm in the cage of their embrace. 

She rested her free hand delicately on his forearm as his leather-clad hand teased between her legs, tracing back and forth in her slit, gently wetting his fingertips with the evidence of her need for him. Slowly but deftly, he curled one strong finger inside her, and she clenched her other hand hard against herself under his to keep from reacting to the sensation. She knew exactly what her own hand felt like, but this where the map ended in her practical understanding. His hands were bigger than hers, and in this particular iteration, she could feel how much deeper his long fingers could reach inside her. She moaned and before he could raise his other hand to cover her mouth as he sometimes did, she managed to whisper, “ _Please_.”

His hand stilled between her legs momentarily as he turned his head towards her face, the cool metal of his visor pressed against her cheek. “Please what?” 

She actually hated the word now that it had this connotation for her, hated the rough sound of the consonants that could be a promise or a request or a curse, but could think of no better term for what she so desperately wanted from him. 

“Fuck me, please just... _fuck me_ ,” she begged, turning her face to his so their foreheads touched. 

Without a word he released her, withdrew his finger and shoved her forwards by her shoulder onto all fours. His garments rustled as he freed his cock from his pants, and a moment later his fingers were curled back around her hip bones, drawing her back to him and pressing the hard heat of his need against her, then _into_ her. 

Rey knelt forwards now, her cheek against the dewey moss, working her hand furiously against herself. The details from here out were less curated, and it was irrelevant whether he forbade her to make a sound as he took his pleasure from her and left her wanting, directed her to finish herself, or if he pinned her shoulders to the ground with his free hand. She had no idea how this part would feel, and it didn’t matter. The idea alone that he controlled her was enough for her to come, and tonight was no different. She cried out hoarsely and panted as though she had run a race, tears of relief welling in her eyes at the pleasure of it. She sat back on her heels, steadying herself with her free hand on the log, the bark rough under her fingertips as she traced them back and forth in a groove filled with lichen, her other hand still between her legs.

She tipped her head back and looked up at the stars. The pleasure finally began to subside and she reluctantly drew her pants up, shifting to lie on her back. It was a clear night, and the stars were bright against the blue-black of the sky. She sighed deeply and noted the trace of anxiety in her middle as she thought of the possibility of seeing him again in the flesh. She didn’t know why, but the creeping loneliness and dread of being alone forever was actually the worst, more acute than it had ever been on Jakku, right after she touched herself. 

Shaking her head, she stood and made her way back to her room. She needed to pack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays.... hopefully this was the Easter egg you wanted in your basket? :)
> 
> I suppose now is a good time to say, this fic takes its name from an old Depeche Mode song, [The Bottom Line](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7NXI5RCNw4).


	9. Chapter 9

**Kylo awoke to the sound** of heavy rain hitting the single, small, high window of his room. He rolled over onto his good side, curling tightly and then stretching out to his full height on his back. There was no telling what time it was-- late, early-- but it didn’t matter when one had no schedule, nowhere to be, and nothing to do. He couldn’t be bothered to go out in the endless rain to look for anyone who might extend a bit of credit for rendering his services to take care of their unsavory deeds. He had a bit in reserve from a particularly gruesome job he’d just finished, and it was enough to get him by. His needs were simple enough for now. 

The point of light that was Rey called to him. He could feel her all the time now, a star over his shoulder no matter which way he turned. The beacon of her presence was stronger sometimes than others, and right now it seemed particularly noticeable. He knit his fingers behind his head and closed his eyes, meditating on the feeling of her. There were a few select individuals he could sense most or all of the time -- his mother, Snoke, and now _her_. The feeling was distinct for each of them, and varied considerably in how mutual it was. Snoke’s bond with him was more obviously one-sided, and at the moment, effectively dead. He could detect nothing of his master since his departure from the First Order, and he knew Snoke was deliberately cloaking himself.

He had never shuttered himself that way from Leia, partly out of obligation after his father had disappeared and partly out of self-serving need to keep track of the Resistance, making him indispensable to the First Order. Her Force-sensitivity seemed like more of a burden to her than anything, and as he’d gotten older he had learned to leave her in peace. As a child it had been a bane to them both, particularly as things had begun to sour between his parents. The fact of his own Force sensitivity had drawn a line in their family, and once _you two_ versus _me_ was established, it had seemingly hastened the crumbling of his parents’ bond that much more quickly.

His felt the bond with Rey was… uneven, certainly, but that could be rectified with training. Still, he felt on more equal footing with her than either of them; he was confident that while he could periodically see into her mind, he was sure she was not able to see into his from this distance. Nor could he read her easily. It was only at select times when she seemed to forget herself and think of him that he could really see her thoughts. 

But, _oh_ , her thoughts… Kylo shifted onto his side, feeling his arousal beginning to stir at the memory of how she imagined him touching her. It was strange to think he-- or some notion of him-- was the catalyst of her desire, but so it was. 

Her star pulsed brightly, and his brow furrowed momentarily as he gauged the feeling. It felt as though she was moving. He sat up and swung his legs off the edge of the bed. The bond hummed as his sense of her grew steadily stronger.

She was coming. Here. 

He stood and began dressing.

* * *

**By the time their unmarked shuttle** touched down in Xucphra City, it had been raining for nearly three days without pause. Chewie and Rey stared glumly out at the water sheeting down the cockpit window, sluicing in small rivers across the duracrete, and puddling in every uneven crack on the landing pad. Rey sighed deeply as she looked at the mess. D’Qar’s warm, gentle rainshowers were a welcome respite from the parched conditions at home, but this…

Chewie roared in irritation, _This planet is such a shithole! I can’t believe Leia sent us here. Why would Ben be hiding here?_

Rey said nothing, looking at the ship’s controls. She was acutely aware of how near Kylo felt to her now. 

“We shouldn’t be seen together,” she said shortly. “Do what you have to in order to secure the supply, and I’ll do my piece. Alright?” 

Chewie looked at her curiously, but nodded. _Meet me back here_?

“Back here,” she affirmed.

* * *

**Rey left the ship** in a brief interlude from the rain, but was caught out in the deluge just far enough away not to bother turning back. 

She followed her sense of him like a hunting dog after prey, feeling it more and more strongly after a few wrong turns as she pushed her way between the wet hoards of people scurrying from awning to awning in the tight quarters of the packing district, rounding up their essential items as night fell. She cowered in the lee of a building under a blinking sign advertising the companionship of alluring, willing off-worlders, trying to avoid the rain as much as possible when she suddenly lost the scent completely. 

Rey squinted through the downpour, hand shielding her eyes, foolishly hoping she might somehow simply catch a glimpse of him. Several minutes of standing still was only getting her more soaked, and she moved away again into the stream of people, buffeted by them as they carelessly jostled her in their haste. Everyone seemed to have a place to be, and ignored her completely. She was moving slowly at the edge of the walkway when someone grabbed her from behind. 

She tried to shriek as she was lifted off the ground, found her arms pinned uselessly to her sides by arms that wrapped around her, swung and kicked her legs every which way in panic, but her voice would not respond. Her assailant staggered a bit as her struggles threw them off balance, but she was carried steadily down an alleyway and around a corner where no one could see them. She arched her back fiercely against the unseen attacker and _pushed_ with the Force, tumbling hard against a building as she broke free of the hold, but as she whirled to face her opponent she was shoved back flat against the wall by rough hands on her shoulder and throat. 

She opened her mouth to scream when she saw that it was an unmasked Kylo Ren, but no sound came out. He leaned in close, the water trickling from off of his hood onto her. “ _Scavenger_ ,” he breathed, “Are you following me?”

He hadn’t released his hold on her voice, so she could only stare at him and shake her head no, hoping her eyes didn’t betray the truth. Their faces were mere inches apart and she stared at the long, thin scar that bisected his cheek. He was breathing slightly open-mouthed from the effort of having carried her, but his fingers were firm around her neck, his thumb and forefinger squeezing uncomfortably tight under the line of her jaw.

He peered at her, narrowing his eyes as though he were trying to decide whether to believe her. She felt a hot flush creeping over her cheeks at the realization of how many times she’d pictured exactly this scenario, but with a different ending than her current situation was likely to have. 

He cocked his head to one side in the near-dark, and gently shook his head. “Of course you are,” he said softly, his voice nearly lost in the constant static of the rain around them. His fingers eased at her throat but his fingers still dug painfully into the back of her shoulder where he held her against the wall. He towered over her as he leaned in even closer, his lips near her ear now. “I know you’re following me, so don’t deny it. I’m going to let you go, and it’s up to you what to do-- follow me, or don’t. Understand?”

“Mmmmhmmm,” she murmured, finally having the use of her voice again. 

“Good,” he nodded, “And Rey?”

“Yes?” She looked at him sideways and caught him looking down her body. A jolt of undeniable arousal shot through her, and she shuddered at her traitorous body’s reaction to his leer. 

A smirk played at his lips as he gazed at a point between her breasts and her hips. “I don’t leave my gloves on for that.”

He released her after a quick look in the eye, and she could feel her heartbeat in between her legs as she watched his back receding in the dark. 

She counted to fifty, took a deep breath, and set after him.

* * *

**Kylo was not surprised** when he felt her dogging his steps again through the darkened alleys of the industrial city. Their bond felt like an ember that had caught fire again, and the flame was slowly licking up the edge of the kindling they’d piled on it. He could hardly think straight at the possibility of having her so easily, here in his safehouse, and while the notion of leading the Resistance straight to him dimly worried him, he decided it was a calculated risk he was willing to take. 

He had just enough time to take off his wet cloak when he felt her right outside his door. Before she could knock, he opened the door and yanked her inside by her upper arm, dripping wet. 

She cried out at how roughly he grabbed her, and turned away with a pained expression as she rubbed herself with her free hand. “You didn’t have to do that, I would’ve come inside on my own,” she muttered. 

He said nothing, and moved instead to stroke his thumb down the inside of her elbow and upper forearm. 

“They chipped you,” he said, incredulous and unsurprised at the same time as he felt the telltale bump just under her skin. Her eyes flashed angrily at his touch, but she quit nursing her arm to mirror his gesture, kneading her thumb indelicately against him until she felt the same evidence in his body. 

“And….?” she shook her head gently. “Does that bother you?”

“No,” he said, but he could feel a tiny glimmer of jealousy at the thought of her with someone else. He didn’t suppose, from what he’d seen in her recent mental escapades, that she’d really gone that far, but there was no way to know for sure. He glanced down at her and said, “You should take off your wet clothes.” She was dripping on the rug that covered most of the center of the small room. 

“Maybe you could…. help me,” she suggested hesitantly, as though she weren’t sure he’d oblige.

He sank slowly onto the edge of the bed and shucked his boots and socks, throwing them in a pile near the door, then unceremoniously drawing his half-wet tunic over his head and tossing it aside, too. He reached for her and pulled her towards him by her forearm, placing her hand on his shoulder as he drew her closer to him with his arm around the backs of her thighs. Her eyes were wide but she already looked heavy-lidded, and their connection hummed. She stared alternately at his face and torso, seemingly fixated on the scars in both areas.

With her standing between his knees, he reached up and slowly undid her trousers, easing his thumbs into the waistband, careful not to disturb her underwear as he yanked them down off her hips, pushed the material down her thighs and over her knobby knees so she could step out of them. He stroked his hands up the backs of her legs from her knees to her lower back, and her eyes closed involuntarily as she felt his fingers on the swell of her behind. 

“Rey,” he tipped his chin at her, indicating she should take her top off. He noticed how filthy her fingers were as she crossed her arms in front of her and grabbed the hem of her tunic, slowly lifting the material up and over her head, casually discarding it to one side before reaching behind her head to release her hair from its bonds as well. It fell just beyond her collarbones in thick, wavy wet clumps, the ends dripping slightly. 

He inhaled sharply at the expanse of her torso in front of him, dotted with freckles and small scars, and traced his hands over the bottom of her ribcage and down her sides. She squirmed slightly at this, ticklish at the gesture, and she grabbed his hands to still them. 

“My hands are dirty,” she said sheepishly, shrugging as she looked at them on top of his own. 

“Mine are too,” he said thickly, “What are you afraid of?”

She shook her head silently, finally reaching up to brush a lock of his hair from in front of his eye to the side. “I’m not afraid.” She withdrew her hands and shimmied out of her breastband, blushing as she stood all but naked in front of him. She took a step backwards and broke away from his grasp easily to move around him and lay down on her stomach across his bed. She rested one cheek against her forearms under her head, looking at him expectantly. 

His heart beat hard in his chest as he looked at the long line of the side of her body, noting the small protrusion of her breast at the side near her armpit down to the bony lump of her ankle. Her lean, hard scavenger’s body had taken on a softer quality since he’d last seen her, and he was surprised to learn the picture of herself in her mind’s eye hadn’t updated itself to account for this new shape that she had developed. Again, he felt the ping of envy that another might have been here first, might have looked at her like this and touched her the way he intended to. Looking at her now, it seemed unbelievable to think this was the same young woman whose hollow existence he’d seen in such abject detail just a few months before. 

“Please,” she whispered, “Touch me.” 

With a small groan he stood and did as she told him.

* * *

**Rey’s heart was pounding** so hard she was sure he could hear it, and she hid her eyes against her forearms as she felt Kylo kneel gently over her on the bed. He pulled down her underwear, the sensation of his knuckles against her hips and down her legs making her shudder with want. She lay totally naked now, and she listened as he stood behind her, hearing the muffled swishing of his pants as he unzipped them and stepped out of them. She wanted to peek, but wasn’t sure that would change the twisting feeling that had taken up residence in her midsection. 

She jerked as he circled his fingers around each of her ankles and slowly spread her legs apart. She resisted momentarily until he said, “Rey, I’m not going to hurt you.” The air was cool on her sweaty inner thighs, and the bed shifted again under his weight as he knelt again, trailing his fingers up and down over the backs her her legs. The sensation of being touched was enough to make her tremble slightly, but not as much as the realization that he was actually touching her everywhere _but_ where she expected him to. His hands ranged over her low back, down the backs of her arms to her ticklish armpits, delicately over the edges of her breasts, lingered over the scar on her shoulderblade. She had never accounted for the solid feeling of him in her fantasies, and the weight he put into his caresses felt like an undertow pulling her down into the bed. 

“How did that happen,” he asked as he traced the line of the jagged scar on her back. She was aware that he was on all fours over her, his long lower leg nestled close alongside her thigh.

“My rope broke, and I fell,” she shrugged, and finally turned her face to the side so she could see him in her peripheral vision. He only raised one eyebrow in acknowledgement as he gathered her hair at the nape of her neck and drew it to one side, exposing her ear and the side of her face. Without warning he leaned down and pressed his mouth to the skin just below her earlobe. Rey’s eyes closed and she sighed deeply as he suckled at the delicate spot, his fingers trailing down her spine and tickling her at the top of the cleft of her rear. 

He withdrew from the kiss and moved back down her body, placing kisses down her back and nipping occasionally at her skin. She arched into this and just as she placed her forehead drowsily back on her arms, he grabbed her ass cheek so hard it stung. The sudden slap of his hand against her startled her, and she jerked up onto her elbows. He had her whole left buttock in his hand, and he squeezed so tightly she could feel his fingernails digging into her flesh. She looked over her shoulder, grimacing in pain and surprise and found he was was looking at her darkly. 

“That _hurts_!” she gasped, and he held her gaze evenly as he refused to let up. It wasn’t until her breath hitched in what was nearly a sob that he relaxed his hand, her breathing ragged against the pain. She shivered as he then trailed his fingertips over the spot, the sensation one of sharp contrast, before slapping her again more gently on the same spot. His mouth quirked downwards on one side as he gazed at her, and she was surprised at the deep vein of desire that shot from that spot to her swollen, slick sex. He then moved his hand there, and she looked away in embarrassment to feel his fingers high against her inner thigh, then… _on_ her, and easily slipping between the folds of her body. He only traced the tips of his fingers back and forth in her for a few moments before he lying next to her on his back. 

She recognized this was his invitation, and she got to her knees next to him obediently like she’d done this a thousand times. Her ass still stung from his hand, and she was certain she’d be bruised from how he’d manhandled her. 

Greedily she took in the sight of him, trying not to stare but having a hard time not lingering too long on the details that caught her eye: the point of his elbow where he folded one arm lazily behind his head to prop himself up, the groove of his abdominal muscle where it curved down to his hipbone, the swell of his long thigh muscle. She bit her lower lip as he adjusted himself, wiping the bead of clear fluid that had been oozing from the tip of his cock onto her thigh. Nothing could have prepared her for this, no amount of reading or talking or wondering. It had become night outside, but an electronic sign on the street below cast an alternating red, then yellow, then red glow through the rain-streaked window.

She swept the flat of her open palm down his torso and asked, “Are you ready?” Her voice sounded husky to her, like she was sick. 

He nodded in assent and held out his hand to steady her as she threw one leg over his body. She reached down and circled her thumb and first finger around his sex, her mouth wordlessly making a soft, round shape to discover how silky smooth he was, but how hard underneath. She tilted his tip towards her, leaning forwards to catch him inside the edge of her body. Rey held her breath as she sank slowly down, down, down onto him, filling herself until she reached a point where it became uncomfortable. She had not anticipated this, how sharp the pain actually was and how deep inside herself it felt. She glanced up at his face and found he was biting his lip too, watching her intently. He worked his thumb against her palm where he held her hand and said, “Try to relax, you’re really… tense.” She nodded and straightened up a little, taking him in more shallowly before pressing herself down again, this time making it further past the place where instinct had stopped her before. And again.

On the third try she was satisfyingly full of his cock, and it nothing like what she had expected. She leaned back from her crouch and even the change of angle brought her dangerously close to climax. Her whole lower core throbbed with unfulfilled desire, and she had twin urges to stay very, very still and to move around as much as possible at the same time. For the first time since she’d read about this most basic, instinctual act, she finally knew how these parts served their purpose. She moved his free hand to her breast, and shuddered as he cupped her in his palm and scissored her nipple between his long fingers. It felt as though an electric line were strung between her chest and her clit, and this motion completed the circuit. She was hyper-aware of every little brush of his body against hers, from her inner thighs against his sides to the arch of her foot that was gently wedged under the curve of his outstretched leg, and she fell forwards with her hand gripping his shoulder as she shook out her orgasm with a hoarse yell. 

It seemed to go on forever, and yet the quality was very different than when she was by herself. Almost immediately she opened her eyes to look at him, and was terribly aware that he was still rock hard inside her and waiting for his own release. Before she could manage to ask what to do, he grabbed her around her waist and flipped them over, catching one knee in the crook of his elbow. He pinned her opposite arm over her head, his hand crushing her wrist. 

He drove hard against her now with short, punishingly hard snaps of his hips that seemed to roll up his entire body over her, again and again. He buried his face against her neck and she clenched her eyes against the sensation of raw pain that was mounting between her legs. She couldn’t adjust herself against it with him holding her leg captive, and he was fucking her so viciously now she had the thought that he might actually break her. What had been a pleasing sense of being too full when she’d been on top was now an unavoidable one of being filled repeatedly past the point of comfort, to a point where he was hitting some part of her insides that did not like this, at all. 

Rey turned her head to the side and bit her lips to keep from giving him the pleasure of crying out, sensing that this frenzied pace could not continue long. She felt his teeth against her neck as he came after a half dozen more ragged strokes, a hot gush as he strained into her soreness one last, shuddering time. For several seconds the only sound was his heavy breathing and the rain hitting the window. Without a word, he released her arm, withdrew from her and stood without looking at her. He walked into his fresher, and shut the door behind him.

She curled into a ball on on side, drawing her knees up to alleviate the sting that lingered inside her. She drew the blanket half over her, covering her lower torso and winding her fingers around the edge of it. 

For all her imagining, she had not expected any of _this_ , this aching physical feeling she was left with inside, the fact that he had marked her body visibly and the feeling of their mellifluous, synchronous connection being broken only moments later. It didn’t feel good like she had expected, it just felt…. lonely. She turned on her other side, away from the door as she heard it rattle open. 

He stood silently for a moment behind her before she felt him crawl onto the bed and draw near. 

“Rey,” his deep voice was low. “Look at me.”

“I don’t want to talk.” 

He sighed and lay on his side, curling around her despite her admonishment. His fingers traced lazily on her upper arm, down her forearm to her wrist and back. He brushed his hand from her earlobe down her neck, to the point of her shoulder and back. Her eyes closed again and she was surprised to find a spark of desire was beginning to glow again in her low belly. 

“Listen,” he whispered, leaning over her so his lips were against the shell of her ear. “I shouldn’t have been so rough on you, it’s just… been a long time. But, a first time is only that-- a first time, alright? It’s a start, not the end.” 

She turned her face towards him now and looked at him keenly. “How do you plan to make it up to me?”

He stared at her lips for a moment before cupping her cheek and pressing his mouth to hers, sucking on her lower lip. “Why don’t you teach me how.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far, y'all. Comments are always appreciated! :)
> 
> So, at this point, I'm torn -- do you want to see him make it up to her, or do you want more plot. Or porn with plot... or without.... whatever. Things could go either way.


	10. Chapter 10

**The rain continued unabated.** It was fully dark now, and even the sign that had cast a dim light in the room had been shuttered for the night. Rey wondered absently about Chewbacca’s progress, but was more immediately concerned with her own mission. Strictly speaking, it had been a success. _Eyes on_ \-- nothing more had been expected of her.

Now she had her eyes on, her clothes off, and she had been under, over, in front of and behind her target. She did nothing by halves. 

They lay in the same spot for a long while, exploring one another’s mouths. She overcame her shyness and lingering anger at him to trace her fingers down his face, over his scar, tug at his earlobes under his thick, black hair. He drew her close into the curve of his body, propped his head on one arm and kissed her lazily. Her mind was a roiling mess of desire and anger, and he smiled into their kiss at the weak whimper of protest he drew from her as his free hand trailed down her midline to cup her gently between her legs. He could feel the throb of her heart as he held his palm over her, and he broke away to look at her. 

“Rey,” his lips brushed her shoulder, “How am I making this up to you, hmm?”

She looked at him, her eyes already dark with want. “I don’t know,” she said hesitantly. She blushed as he raised one eyebrow in disbelief. “I…. don’t really know what I like.” She refused to say the word out loud, but suspected he already knew anyway.

Besides, _that_ word no longer applied. There were other, better ones: neophyte. Beginner. Pupil.

“You know what to do,” he said assuredly. She opened her mouth to protest and he cut her off, “I think you have some distinct ideas about what you’d like me to do to you.” 

Rey flushed even further and diverted her eyes. The feeling of his hand resting on her sex, the promise of his fingers inside her at his discretion, was making her wanton. “So you _could_ see me, then.”

Kylo smirked at her, and she wanted to slap him. “I only saw what you wished I would,” he said simply. “I told you you needed a teacher. There are ways.”

She grabbed his wrist and tried to remove his hand from her, only to find his arm harden like steel around her. “Kylo,” she said with a note of warning. 

“Or what,” he challenged her. He slipped the tip of his middle finger into her, drawing it from back to front slowly. Her eyes closed and rolled back in her head. He withdrew his hand then, releasing her. “Go take care of yourself,” he instructed. “I’ll be waiting.” He rolled away, onto his back. She got up slowly without looking at him, but he tracked her languidly, admiring her behind as she made her way into the fresher. Even in the darkness, his handprint stood out starkly on her flesh, and his cock leapt at the notion of her kneeling in front of him.

He exhaled deeply and listened to her splashing around behind the closed door. A plan was forming in his mind, a compromise between her unspoken longing for him to control her and his refusal to hurt her a second time. The need to redress his predilections had rarely, if ever, been a concern for him before. 

Rey craned her head over her shoulder to look at her backside in the small, dingy mirror. The mark his hand had left was blooming dark on her ass, and she bit her lower lip at the recollection of how strongly her body had reacted to his mishandling. She splashed cold water on her face. It was terribly humid with the rain, and she felt slightly clammy. 

Emerging from the ‘fresher, her breath hitched at the sight of him stretched across his bed. She would’ve lain next to him forever, just looking. He caught her looking but said nothing, letting her admire him. She walked slowly back and returned to her spot beside him. Wordlessly, he guided her onto her back, and placed her arms over her head, elbows bent with one wrist on top of the other. He passed his knuckles down the length of her side, and drew each of her knees up so that her feet were flat against the bed. He sat up and examined her, considering his work carefully before widening her legs with a hand to each knee, dragging one heel a little further from the other. He reached over her and grasped the sheet from the tangle of the bedcovers and shook it out, letting it settle over her body and tucking it gently around her, over her chest and under her hips. She breathed shallowly with anticipation. 

“Are you comfortable?” he asked. 

“Yes,” Rey said, and found her voice muted again. When she tried to move her arm she felt the weight of his bond against her wrists. 

He watched her silently as the realization of her confinement dawned on her. He pressed her a little more tightly to the bed as she arched her back and tried to move around. Kylo stood and turned on a small lamp on a table she hadn’t noticed when they’d fallen into bed earlier. He settled back into the lone chair in the room and propped his long legs up on the nightstand, crossed at the ankle, then pulled the stray blanket across his lap. He hooked one elbow over his head and cocked his head, watching her. 

She huffed and attempted to wriggle once more, now noticing the distinct binding at her ankles as well. He relaxed his invisible hold on her torso and let her twist uselessly, pinioned to the bed by her outermost joints. Her knees made a tent with the sheet, and she lifted her hips off the bed in protest several times, only to flop back. The sheet came loose from under her chest and slipped down, exposing one pert nipple to the air. 

He wondered silently how long she could keep this up. She struggled several more long minutes before settling restlessly, seeming defeated, but he suspected she was merely resting. Her breathing was labored and he could see a light sheen of sweat that had broken out on her forehead at the effort. 

Rey lay back, staring at the ceiling, wondering at the purpose of this trick. She glanced furtively at him a few times, and noticed he’d closed his eyes as though napping while she was trapped here in his bed. She couldn’t ignore the feeling of him in the Force, not with him this near. The strange awareness that had begun on Starkiller months ago had changed in quality over time; it had varied widely from a distant ping so faint she was convinced she had imagined it, to a scrambled, static-like hum that she could receive if she concentrated on it, to the steady, palpable stream she felt now. Unlike their first encounters, his energy was a constant, even, almost comforting frequency she could not avoid. 

Kylo opened his eyes sleepily and looked at her. She had begun to accept her station and he finally said, “You have strange... proclivities, Rey, do you know that?” 

She stared at him darkly, wondering what the purpose of this monologue was. He knew she could not object or interrupt. 

“You chafe so easily at your circumstance,” he said slowly. “Here, on Jakku…. As you work for the Resistance.” He paused, letting this sink in. “I know you’re here at their behest, you wouldn’t have dared come on your own.” He let his hand hang down now, feeling the blood rush back into his fingers. “You think you hate being used by others, but yet here you are.”

Rey opened her mouth and and shook her head back and forth in protest, but he held her still with one finger raised at her.

“You’re so accustomed to it now, all you can imagine for yourself is for me to use you, too,” he said. “I won’t disappoint you, but you have to return the favor.”

He rose and stood over her at her feet, clenching one fist nervously as he looked at her prostrate body. He grasped the edge of the sheet where it hid her feet and lifted it slowly, folding the excess over her knees, out of the way. He dropped to his knees out of her sight and she stiffened with anticipation as he caught her ankles and dragged her legs further apart. 

There was a long, torturous pause where she knew he was looking at her, but he didn’t make a move or touch her. She jerked in anticipation as he slid his thumbs up her shins and back down, smoothing his broad palms over the tops of her feet. Reaching up, he threaded his arms through her bare legs and pulled her roughly by her hips down the bed to him, positioning her where she could not evade him. He made a low, quiet noise of appreciation but she could only guess at his expression as he knelt to worship her. 

Rey flexed her fingers anxiously, but was still bound at the wrists. She could feel his intent, knew what was coming, but was wholly unprepared for how it might feel. It seemed too obscene to imagine for herself. Her arms were stretched now over her head, and the sheet had slipped further down her torso so her breasts stood up in the cooling night air. She felt the heat of his face and his hair tickling her inner thigh a moment before his hot, hungry mouth met her aching sex. She shuddered at the sensation of his tongue licking between her folds, and felt the weight of her desire crushing her to the bed as he used his thumb to part her more so that he could explore her further. His thumb brushed lightly against the tight knot of pleasure at the top of her cleft and she found he had allowed her the use of her voice as she moaned, embarrassed at the neediness of the sound but unable to stifle herself. He chuckled against her, and the sensation only heightened the near-ecstasy she was already feeling. 

He drew back for a second to adjust his position before diving back between her legs, concentrating now on her clit. The salty, heady taste of her desire was co-mingled with a faint metallic taste that he knew to be blood and the sharp bite of his own seed that lingered on the back of his tongue. He lapped at the slippery entrance to her body and occasionally turned his head to place a biting kiss on her upper thigh. At one interlude he swirled his fingers in his mouth before turning back to his task. 

Rey stiffened and clenched involuntarily as she felt his fingers at the entrance of her body, tracing back and forth under his chin where he continued to suck at her. She had imagined it so many times, but she mistrusted him after their earlier intercourse. Her body and her mind no longer seemed in sync, though, because even as her brain was cautioning her against this, her body longed for his long fingers inside it. He withdrew his face momentarily as he pressed his hand to her, then steadily, unabashedly into her. Oh _stars_ , it felt strange -- better than her own hand and different still than his manhood, but it was less than five maddening curls of his fingers against her before she arched off the bed in ecstasy, crying out a string of incomprehensible syllables, mixed with curses in languages she’d heard at the Outpost and his name, repeating it until it was just a meaningless sound too.

Kylo smiled at his work and kissed up her thigh to her knee as the residual pleasure continued to wrack her body. Their connection was such that he felt slightly lightheaded with his experience of her climax, and the blood pooling hotly in his groin was making him impatient. He was already hard again, and hearing her cry his name only made him want her to do it again. He stood finally, and swept the sheet away from her body with a jerk of his wrist. 

He looked down at her and rested his weight partly on one knee between her legs, steadying himself with a hand on her bent knee, taking in the sight of her. She was a magnificent creature: the sharp planes of her body had rounded slightly, breasts fuller now than he’d imagined, and the triangle of her hipbones led his eyes down to the small thatch of dark hair he’d just had his face in. Her eyes were dark with lust as he bent over her and caught one of her nipples between his teeth, brushing it with the tip of his tongue. She exhaled sharply and he realized she’d been holding her breath. 

“Rey,” he murmured around her breast, “Have I made it up to you yet?” He knew the answer but wanted to hear her say it. 

She silently shook her head. _No._

“I don’t want to read your mind,” he warned. “Have you had enough?”

“No,” she whispered, “Please…. keep going.” 

With that, he released her from her bonds temporarily to rearrange her, rubbing her thighs gently where they had begun to cramp from being in one position. He bade her to roll over onto her stomach, then placed her arms alongside her body with her face turned to the right. Grasping her feet, he bent her lower legs back towards her thighs and bound her lightly to the bed again. Her eyes closed and rolled slightly at the sensation of the bonds tightening, and the spike he felt in her desire choked his own breathing for a moment. 

Rey lay with her eyes closed, feeling the bed spring back lightly as he got up and she heard him going through his things. Her breath was shallow with need. Their strange congress had gone well past her primitive understanding and veered into territory she was certain was outside the realm of average. Like a day in the desert without enough water, her tongue felt thick with lust for him, and the very notion of having these restraints to struggle against as he did to her as he pleased made her want him that much more. 

The room suddenly went dark as he switched off the light again. 

He crouched over her prone body, and she shivered to feel the heat of him near her back and her buttocks. He placed a hot, wet kiss between her shoulderblades on her spine, and she shuddered as his erection grazed her rear. He straightened up then, kneeling between her knees. 

His gloved hand slid agonizingly slowly up her right, inner thigh. 

The damp leather caught against her soft skin, and Rey could not hold back a moan as he grabbed her right cheek in his strong hand. The promise of pain was there in how possessively he held her, and she pressed back into his touch, trying to encourage him. 

He released her instead, and brushed his fingers between her legs, then delicately over her already-bruised left side. Again he grabbed her on the right, leaning over kissing the side of her face and her shoulder at the same time. The contrast between the softness of his lips and sting of his gloved fingertips squeezing her flesh was agonizing. He released her from his hold and she heard a soft sound she could not identify. She quivered with anticipation of his touch.

A moment later, it was the sound of his empty glove across her backside that made her jump, a second before the stinging pain registered. Layers of pleasurable discomfort were beginning to present themselves, from the smarting burn on her skin from the light flogging he was now delivering, to the deep-seated ache of the bruises that were forming in her muscle tissue. She had a vague thought of how she’d endure the ride home, and it was followed immediately by a regret that she would ever want to be anywhere but _right here_. 

Kylo paused for a moment, running his thumb lightly over her backside, gauging her. Her breathing had become shallow and he ached with desire to be between her legs again. He popped her with one more teasing stroke of his glove before tossing it on the foot of the bed. Dipping his fingers between her legs, he confirmed what he already knew- she was practically dripping with want. He slid his slick fingers up the cleft of her rear until he brushed the tight knot and felt her stiffen in response. Her expression was clearly surprise, but he wasn’t sure if it was in response to the idea that he might take this liberty with her, or to her unexpected desire that she would want him to. He toyed with her for a minute, rubbing his fingertip against her and riding out the waves of shared pleasure as she relaxed into the sensation only to go still again as though she hoped he might stop. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” he whispered as she glanced warily back over her shoulder at him. There was nothing to do _but_ that, and he sank indelicately on her back as he lined himself up with her again. He penetrated her easily, and slid practically to the hilt. He smoothed his palm over the side of her face and tucked a lock of her hair away from her cheek as he leaned his weight against her, pressing slowly but steadily into her. He released one of her arms and they instinctively twined their hands together, squeezing and kneading as a substitute for the friction they sought in the lower halves of their bodies. 

He refused to give himself the easy pleasure of rutting into her as he had earlier, opting instead for a maddeningly slow, gentle rhythm of building pressure that took them both nearly to the brink before backing off.

Rey began to feel dizzy with need for her release as he filled and stretched her time after time. The pleasure of being full of him like this, of knowing she had given over control of herself to him, felt not like a defeat, but a relief. A lifetime of wariness, of ever-present hunger and loneliness, had unfairly matured her well beyond her age. Giving up control in exchange for this simple, stupid physical fulfillment was nothing, _nothing_ in comparison with that. She would’ve done it a hundred times more. 

Kylo could feel she was close, and he bent his lips to her ear to whisper, “I can’t come until you do, Rey, please don’t make me wait anymore.”

He released her bonds and she convulsed around him, under him, shaking with relief and the sudden torrent of her climax swept him into his own. He arched against her one last time, curling his fingers around her hipbone and pressing deeply into her body, delighting in the filthy string of noises she was making and the sound of their bodies together. Their bond was incandescent, burning, desperate with their shared sense of need satisfied. 

They lay conjoined for several more minutes, stroking each others’ fingers and cooling their sweaty bodies. He eventually withdrew and they curled together on their sides again. 

Neither of them spoke for a very long time. 

Rey finally broke the silence when she turned back over her shoulder and asked, “And how am I to return that favor?” She lifted one eyebrow teasingly. 

A sly smile played at Kylo’s lips. “I’ll have to think about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Sunday chapter for all you sinners! Does this trash ship have a chapel room where I can repent for writing this?
> 
> Oh wait... I have no remorse, never mind!


	11. Chapter 11

**Rey awoke, groggy from lack of sleep** , to a patch of strong sunlight burning its way across the bed. She squinted at the spot, watching the dust motes dance in the shaft of light, before rolling onto her back and stretching. 

Kylo Ren was nowhere to be seen. His garments that been strewn across the floor alongside hers were gone. She could feel him in the Force, knew he hadn’t left the planet but didn’t know where he’d gone. 

Rey curled slowly onto one side, feeling the ache in her muscles -- first the obvious ones, then ones she hadn’t known she had. Despite herself, a smile stretched across her face and she buried her face in the pillow, laughing at the ridiculousness of this. Her laughter slowed and she breathed in the scent of him on the bed clothes, surprised to find her pulse quicken at the recognition of it. She knew she needed to get moving, to get back to the ship and her mission and the Resistance, but she felt languid, like she wanted to lie there forever remembering it. 

Certain details felt seared on her memory and kept flashing in her mind’s eye despite her efforts to motivate herself to move. How closely he’d watched her as he’d driven her wild with his long fingers in her sex, his lip curling slightly with satisfaction at the noises he’d drawn from her. The feeling of his prickly stubble against her neck and breasts, her inner thighs. The urgent, tight curling in her low belly as she’d awakened him in the night and climbed astride him and let him pull her roughly down to his body until she’d come so hard that her toes had flexed until the arch of her foot cramped. 

She had to force herself to put these tactile memories whose sensations she could still summon just by thinking about them into a box, and pull her still-damp clothes on. A further thought slowly occurred to her that nagged, and she had a harder time stuffing it away. She couldn’t even tell why it bothered her, but here it was. 

She had willingly given herself to him, her enemy. Her decision had been free, and as he’d rightly pointed out, there was a first time for everything. But it was obvious in hindsight from his deftness, his quietly assured movements, his confident domination of her, that he was far from a beginner. While he’d excused his initial roughness with her as over-eagerness, a by-product of having gone too long without, she suddenly doubted him. Why _should_ she trust him? She was tying her hair back again when a deep wave of unease overcame her. What if he had merely used her to persuade her to the Dark Side for his own purposes? 

Back at the ship, Chewie howled long and low to see the sight of her. _I thought you’d been captured again! I was about to send out a distress signal._

“I know, I’m sorry,” Rey hoped her voice sounded convincing. “It just took a lot longer than I thought it would. Did you get the load?”

Chewie nodded as Rey sank into the copilot’s seat beside him and watched him mutely as he powered up the craft and set the navigational equipment. Once they’d reached the hyperlane and made the jump, she asked, “Everything went as planned?”

_Had to haggle for it a bit, go to a few different places. Some of them were asking too many questions._

She inclined her head in silent agreement and crossed her arms. “It’s enough to … how long will it last, do you suppose?” She immediately regretted implying she’d like to return. 

_Depends_ , Chewie shrugged. 

The gentle side-to-side wallowing of the craft at lightspeed lulled her, and she felt intensely tired all of a sudden. Standing, she said, “I’m not feeling well, I’m going to go lie down.”

The Wookie looked carefully at her for a moment before responding. _I’ll be back when we clear this bit of traffic, ok?_

Rey lay her head on her arms at the table in the tiny galley and breathed deeply. She hadn’t eaten since yesterday, but the thought of the rations aboard the freighter sickened her uneasy stomach even further. Her gut was churning with the thoughts of what she’d done and what it might mean. The spot that was his presence was growing dimmer with the distance put between them, but already she could feel how much more strongly she was aware of him. Leia’s warning haunted her now: _it probably won’t get stronger unless you interact directly with each other, which you won’t need to for this mission_. 

She lifted her head when she heard Chewie’s muffled feet approaching and shuffled over as he tucked his giant frame in next to her at the table. She replaced her head, looking in his direction, as he palmed her hair with his hairy mitt. His glittering black eyes studied her carefully and he cocked his head a few times as though about to speak, then reconsidering it. 

Finally he asked, _Did it go ok for you?_

Rey nodded, her cheek pulling where it lay against her forearm. “He’s there.” 

Chewie seemed to deflate a bit at the news. _And he’s… is he… alright?_

Rey closed her eyes gently. “Uh huh,” was all she said. 

_Are you?_ Chewie’s warbling tone belied his concern for her.

Her voice was barely above a whisper, and she didn’t trust it to be stronger. “I did more than was strictly required, but yes.” 

_I know_ , Chewbacca patted her shoulder. _I can smell him on you_.

Rey sat up sharply. “You can’t tell them,” she began, but he cut her off. 

_It’s not my place to. You did what they asked, and it was a stupid plan anyway. Just… be careful. He’s dangerous, you know that._

“I know,” she conceded. “I do know.”

* * *

**Rey and Chewie sat side-by-side** at the head of the long conference table in Central, half-filled glasses of water waiting in front of them. The top Resistance brass were spread around the large table, a few empty seats between some of them. Rey recognized a few of them, and was surprised to see Dr. Ixx take a seat at the opposite end of the table. They locked eyes for a moment before Dr. Ixx looked away with a slight smile. 

General Organa stood and brought the debriefing to order. “Fellow fighters, thank you for attending today to review this mission. First, a word of thanks to our willing operatives for their service is in order,” she nodded at them in recognition, “I invite the leadership council now to ask questions of Chewbacca and Rey.”

“Thank you, General, and thank you both for your bravery and willingness to carry on the work of the Resistance,” Admiral Ackbar’s gruff voice rang out clearly. Rey had always thought his head looked like some kind of undersea creature, and she had to suppress a smile in the face of his heartfelt thanks. “Chewbacca, would you like to start off with a summary of your findings on the supply of bacta and procurement efforts?”

 _Of course_ , Chewie nodded vigorously. _Bacta production seems surprisingly unhindered by galactic conditions, but that may be due to fewer First Order operations being carried out at the moment. They remain a prime competitor in the market, but their overall demand is greatly diminished at the moment following the Starkiller incident…_

Rey let her mind drift as Chewbacca gave his opinions on the relative supply of life-saving goo in the galaxy and what it had taken to secure their load. Various personnel had questions, but none of it pertained directly to her. A dark cloud on the horizon caught her attention through the window at the top of the room and she blinked her eyes into the slight cooling breeze created by the fans at the apex of the ceiling. She shifted uncomfortably on the wooden chair, moving her weight from side to side as the pressure became unbearable on the bruises on her rear. She had to concentrate on keeping a straight face when she noticed a faint throbbing between her legs at her memory of how the bruises had gotten there. 

“... your mission go?” 

Rey snapped back to attention and noticed that all eyes were on her. The entire table looked at her expectantly, and she had been daydreaming through the question. 

“My mission,” she cleared her throat to bide time and took a long sip of water. “My mission was a success,” she said weakly. “I can confirm Kylo Ren was on Thyferra, as intelligence sources reported.”

There was an unexpectedly long silence as the table digested this. 

“What makes you certain it was him,” Admiral Statura’s voice cut the thick air. His stylus was poised over his holopad for notes. 

“Well,” Rey said carefully, “I am able to detect his presence in the Force, and I could feel it strongly even upon arriving on the planet. Also, I recognized him from a distance from having been… held captive by him on Starkiller Base in close quarters.” She glanced at Dr. Ixx, who looked down at her hands in her lap. “And,” she continued, “The individual I saw had a scar on his face consistent with one Kylo Ren would’ve had after our battle on Starkiller.” 

“Where is Kylo Ren hiding on Thyferra,” Statura continued to press her. 

“I traced the target to a room in a housing block in Xucphra City, the type of unit workers in the processing plants seemed to inhabit,” Rey replied, her voice gaining strength as she wove the lie. “I didn’t want to get closer, I hope you’ll understand that.” 

She felt Chewbacca shift slightly next to her and caught Leia’s glance at the movement, but Rey stared straight ahead. 

Dr. Ixx looked up out of the top of her eyes, her head still inclined but with an eyebrow raised. The other members of the council looked anywhere but at Rey. She wasn’t sure how to interpret their non-reactions to her news. 

“Well,” General Organa said finally. She pursed her lips and looked from person to person. “Do we think this finding warrants further investigation?”

“General, with all due respect,” Dr. Ixx finally broke her silence, “We all… _miss_ Ben. But... this mission seems self-serving at best, and in my professional opinion, it seems against Rey’s best interests to put her in any kind of further contact with a person who has caused her emotional and physical distress. Do we really think the First Order seems capable of mounting a considerable bacta shortage?”

“Why wouldn’t they be?” a grey-haired gentleman Rey didn’t know spoke up. “Their goal is to overthrow the Republic, I don’t think we should count this possibility out over--” he frowned at Rey with mock apology, “-- one individual’s _feelings_. We’re at war here.”

Dr. Ixx bristled at this characterization of her opinion. “Lieutenant, that’s a lot of supposition about the motivations of an organization we _know_ to be back on its heels at the moment.”

“I motion we--as an organization-- should keep closer tabs on Kylo Ren’s movements, and see what develops,” Admiral Statura tried to interject some rationality into what was quickly becoming a heated argument. “We have concrete intel that he was most recently on Thyferra, thanks to Rey. I say we track him, and see if he makes contact with known First Order operatives. If not, well… we should track him anyway, but at least we’ll know it’s not another Bacta War on our hands.”

The energy in the room felt taut to Rey, like a thread pulled too tight. It seemed her lie had made him a target, but she didn’t see how the truth would make things better, so she sat on her palms and sighed. 

“Does anyone second Admiral Statura’s motion?” General Organa asked. “I should recuse myself from voting, since it would appear some parties feel my personal views are clouding my judgement.”

Dr. Ixx looked down and didn’t rise to the barb. There was an interminable silence. 

Finally, Admiral Ackbar raised his hand. “I’ll second.”

“Thank you, Admiral,” the general nodded. “All in favor, a show of hands, please?”

Hands went up around the table: Statura, Ackbar, the grey-haired lieutenant, and two others whose names Rey didn’t know. 

“And all opposed?”

Dr. Ixx's was the lone hand raised. 

“Thank you,” General Organa concluded. “Let the minutes show that by a vote of five to one, with one council member abstaining, the council has voted to undertake surveillance on Kylo Ren. We’ll meet further to discuss the spec out the operation. Did anyone have any further questions for today’s briefing?”

Heads shook around the table and Rey met Dr. Ixx’s steady, sad gaze evenly. 

“Then I think we’re adjourned,” the general concluded. “Thank you all for attending.”

* * *

**“Rey-bey!”** Testor lept off the bed and threw her arms around Rey when she entered their room, as though they’d been apart for months instead of only mere days. “It was lonely without you! I wanna hear all about it-- if you can tell me, of course.”

Rey smiled broadly at her roommate’s unbridled enthusiasm. “Sorry I was gone, did I miss anything good here?”

Jessika flopped back onto her own bed with her arms behind her head and her legs crossed at her ankles. “Around here? Please. Standard stuff! Fly, drink, get dry-humped awkwardly by your coworkers. You know the drill.” 

Rey laughed, her shoulders shaking and feeling a little dizzy at the release of all the tension she’d been holding in for the last several days. “Anyone new this time?”

Jessika smirked. “A lot of them were asking if I knew where _you_ were.” 

Rey blushed and turned away to the dark corner of the room where her wardrobe was. “Oh, yeah…?”

“Yeah, girl!” Testor laughed. “You know you could have your pick of the litter here, right?”

Rey glanced shyly over her shoulder as she started undressing. “You think? Who would that even be?”

Her roommate shrugged, her long, dark hair cascading over her shoulders and chest. “I’m telling you, whoever you wanted-- you’ve got that mysterious, outsider new-girl thing still tying them in all kinds of knots.”

Rey looked away and took a deep breath, her smile fading from her lips as she pulled down her pants and bracing herself for the inevitable.

“Rey, what in the _stars_ happened to your ass?!?” Jessika bounded off the bed to examine her behind more closely. “Is that someone’s…. hand prints? I hope you kicked him in the balls!!”

Rey shook her head wordlessly. 

“Look at me, you little scavenger,” Testor chuckled, “How did that get there? You know I expect full dets.” 

“It’s complicated,” Rey tried, but broke off. She slowly pulled her nightshirt over her head and took down her hair. Testor backed up a couple steps and perched expectantly on the edge of her bed, hands beneath her thighs. Rey suddenly wished desperately that she were Jessika instead of herself: sunny, worldly, brash. 

“I saw a person-- a man-- I haven’t seen in awhile, someone who’s been… on my mind a lot,” she tried. 

“Oooooh,” Testor’s eyes lit up and her mouth pursed into an ‘o’ shape. “Is this unrequited love? You’ve been pining for this _man_ for awhile, it sounds like.” 

Rey laid gently on her side, facing her roommate and considering the question. “Mmmmm, I don’t know that I would characterize it as unrequited,” she said at last. “More like… untested, and I wouldn’t say it had anything to do with love.”

“Oh, wow,” Testor nodded vigorously. “So just a hot fuck, then. Good for _you_!” She grinned knowingly at Rey. “Seems like it got a little rough-- was it good, though? Like good-rough, not scary-rough?”

Rey chuckled then, not knowing how to describe it at all without giving herself away. “Ummmm, yeah, I guess you could say it was good-rough? It wasn’t worse than anything I ever experienced on Jakku, let’s put it that way.”

Jessika huffed out a lungful of air and laughed again. “Damn. Yeah, damn, this is pretty much the last thing I expected to have you come back in here with. You left me alone with these laser-brains to go have hot, rough sex with your mystery boyfriend.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Rey shot back, her smile falling from her lips. “It’s not like that, I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.” 

Testor wasn’t exactly smiling anymore, but she was still hanging on Rey’s every word. “So, what…. Does he have someone else or something?”

“I don’t know,” Rey admitted. “I don’t think so, but I don’t actually know.”

Testor stared at her like her head was on backwards. “Are you kidding? How did you leave it? ‘Call me anytime you feel like spanking me black-and-blue, and maybe we can hook up in neutral space'?” 

Rey shifted onto her back uneasily. “No no, I just meant… I think maybe it meant more to me than it did to him, that’s all.” 

“Rey-bey,” Testor’s tone softened markedly, and she moved to sitting next to Rey on her bed. “I was just kidding around, you know that, right? It sounds like you have it bad for this weirdo, whoever he is, and you’re afraid he doesn’t really like you back.” 

She closed her eyes gently when she felt the hot sting of tears welling in them. She nodded silently, her vocal cords suddenly stinging around a knot of tension that had been hiding there for days. Wordlessly, Testor lay beside her and threw her arm over Rey’s own, across her torso. The human contact from her roommate felt so different than…. 

“You know what I think?” Testor ventured, propping her head up on one hand, looking earnestly at Rey. “I think you need to move on, just find another guy to rub up on you a bit and make you feel like he wants to be there as much as you do.” Her fingers brushed a loose lock of Rey’s hair from her forehead. “You know you’re really pretty, right? I wasn’t kidding when I said you could have your pick of the guys here. I wish you could see the way they look at you. I mean, you can fly, and fix things, and you’ve got this whole... innocent-but-tough thing going for you… They’re into it, trust me. Men want to be saved as much as do the saving themselves.”

Rey studied Jessika carefully. “You think so?”

“I _know_ so,” Jessika nodded confidently. “Come out with us tomorrow, bat your eyes at them, make a crude joke or two, and maybe…. wear your hair down for once,” she chuckled. “It’ll give ‘em something to think about hanging onto, you know?”

Rey bit her lips and nodded. “I’ll try.” 

“Try? _Try_!? You know what Master Yoda said, right? ‘There is no try.’” Jessika’s eyes lit up. “‘Do, or do not. There is no try.’ Rey, I know you’ve got this.”

“Okay!” Rey laughed then, brushing the tears from her cheeks. “Alright, I’ll come, I’ll make an effort.” 

Testor nodded once more, then pecked Rey lightly on her cheek. “I’m glad, I think you’ll feel better. Even if you just suck his face off for awhile, it’ll be better.”

“Thanks,” Rey replied. “I really appreciate it-- _everything_ you’ve done, I hope you know that.”

“Of course,” Testor rolled away and bounced back into her own bunk. “Lights out?” 

“Lights out,” Rey replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long break between chapters! Life has been interrupting writing in a big way, ulgh. 
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed Rey-Testor girl-talk time. :)
> 
> ETA: sorry, minor edits throughout last section when I noticed I spelled Jessika's nickname wrong... repeatedly! SMH. I SWEAR I PROOFREAD THIS.


	12. Chapter 12

**The air hummed as Kylo hacked** the vines and undergrowth from the landing gear of his small, unmarked shuttle with his lightsaber. The craft had a light coating of moss beginning to grow in the crevices between panels on the ailerons, a few spots of which had begun their inevitable creep towards the ground. General dinginess of the hull aside, it was no worse for having spent the last several months buried in the jungle. He had struck out at dawn, as soon as the first light had begun to creep through the window and the rain had let up enough that he would not be soaked. 

The temptation to remain there with the girl had been strong, but his sense of self-preservation was stronger. He had allowed himself a last, long look at her sleeping form to memorize it before silently gathering his minimal belongings and striking out into the wilderness to find his transport.

He had no destination in mind, and powered down the engines to maintenance levels to preserve their capacity. Thyferra was already a distant green blob receding behind him. 

So the Resistance thought he was still worth spying on. This development had all the hallmarks of one of his mother’s operations, but Kylo had been surprised to see it was Rey they had sent after him. He had suspected by her still-clumsy practice with the Force that she had not been training with his uncle, and the confirmation of this hunch caught him off-guard too. As had her eagerness to climb into his bed. 

Kylo flipped on the autopilot, and moved to the rear of the shuttle to inspect the supply rations in the kitchenette. It was uncomfortably warm in the shuttle and he stripped down a few layers, his bare arms sweating slightly as the climate system set about cooling and dehumidifying the air. He settled into the table with a cup of caf and leaned his head back against the wall, eyes closed. 

It had been months already since he had been exiled from the Knights, and when Kylo stopped moving long enough to tally the days, a creeping dread began to take hold of him. The Supreme Leader was wise, but Kylo felt Snoke had been too hasty to dole out this particular punishment on him without even hearing out Kylo’s thoughts on how they could make an ally of Rey. Snoke would have had only to look into Kylo’s mind, something he’d never shied from in the past, to see her nascent potential. 

More than anything, he hated the stasis and uncertainty of his situation. It stirred unhappy memories he’d spend too long suppressing. His father had seemed to revel in chaos, in the free-wheeling, barnstorming, unstructured life of a smuggler scoundrel. They were not alike in this way, just as they were not alike in almost _any_ way that Kylo had ever been able to discern. Neither had his mother been like his father, and it left him wondering what she had ever seen in him. But he could never shake the feeling that when either of them looked at _him_ , all they saw was the sum of the qualities they despised in the other. 

Being sent away to train with his uncle had been a temporary relief. The monotonous structure of the days on the wind-whipped plain had soothed him at first, but Kylo had quickly grown impatient with his cohort and even with Luke as it became apparent how intuitively he could manipulate the Force, and how they struggled to master tasks he had taught himself long ago. Needling them about their deficiencies became his favorite pastime, so when Master Snoke had visited them to observe the progress of the new Jedi academy, Kylo had barely disguised how he relished being praised above them. 

In hindsight, he was forced to admit his actions then were not unlike that of his father’s, and he hated Han even more now than when he’d lived for it.

* * *

He was sitting in the cockpit the next day, one foot braced against the instrument panel and his arm slung over his head, when he felt her too strongly to ignore. He had schooled himself to ignore temporary spikes in the bond, but this was…. different, somehow. Kylo stared out at the stars without seeing, waiting for the feeling to subside.

When it instead grew stronger, he ran his hand through his hair and slouched lower into the seat, bracing himself against it physically. He noticed the strange sensation in the pit of his stomach, as though the craft were moving but his body was stationary. He glanced at the nav equipment to be sure -- they were holding steady. 

It was her, then. Was she…? 

_Kylo_ , he heard her say as distinctly as if she were there with him. 

“Yes…?” he said aloud. He was startled to hear her speaking through the Force. 

_I think you’ll like this_ , she slurred her words slightly. 

“Rey?” he said, but he knew she would not heed him if she could even hear him. 

She was _with_ someone, that much was evident, and they were both drunk. Kylo closed his eyes and laced his fingers over his head, stretched his neck against the weight of his arms. He had nothing better to do than watch her, he supposed. 

Whether it was her near-inebriation or the distance between them, the images came to him piecemeal: her hand tracing under someone’s shirt, fingers hooking into her waistband, her squirming against him and grinding her hips against this other man’s thigh, giggling as this stranger’s tongue swept against hers. 

Kylo propped his other foot up against the console and chuffed. Did she _mean_ to show him this, or had alcohol simply impaired her judgement to the point where she couldn’t keep from doing so? Not that he objected, but… the reality of her being with another so soon after him was intruding on the hazy afterglow of their recent encounter. He had never been able to decide if his inclination to watch was merely a biological function, a sort of deviancy, or a hybrid product of unslaked desire and practicality. In truth, regardless of whether it simply allowed or not, the complications of sustained relations with another person were a burden he was uninterested in harboring. 

He raised one eyebrow as this stranger grabbed her ass a bit too eagerly and she started at the contact with her bruises. She moaned into his mouth and twined her calf around his leg. Kylo bit his lower lip as he began to feel a throbbing ache in his own groin that mirrored hers. He lazily undid his trousers to give his swelling manhood more room as he watched her passively. 

They were doing a strange dance of sorts, one where Rey repeatedly tried to get this partner to hold her wrists somehow, but he kept dropping their arms back to their sides. She finally gave up trying and dropped to her knees, fumbling with the closure on his trousers with numb fingers. Kylo felt the twinge in his own jaw as she worked her mouth furiously on the man’s half-hard dick, kept trying to get him to hold her head to him, but he leaned stupidly against the tree they had been pressed against in response.

He was hard now, and Kylo languidly stroked himself wishing it were his cock in her sweet mouth instead. 

“What are you going to do, Rey,” he wondered out loud. 

There was no answer from her end, and he teased himself with his thumb on his head, swirling the pad of his digit over the sensitive, swollen flesh. His jaw and tongue felt limp with her exertion, but he smiled slightly at the realization that their bond was this much stronger already. 

A moment later, he felt a bone-deep ache like he had not known in some time spread through his lower torso, one that hitched his breath and stilled his hand. It was _her_ unsatisfied need, and it was so strong, so consuming that he groaned aloud realizing what had happened. He felt as though someone had kneed him in the groin. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” he muttered viciously, catching a snippet of the man’s unconscious face as Rey sat on the ground beside him, delicately arranging his clothes as best she could over his softening, fading erection. 

Kylo stood abruptly, grimacing as he tucked himself back into his pants and moving to the rear of the shuttle to pace in the small hold. The lingering sensation of their thwarted desire prickled his loins, but he refused to give in to the temptation of returning to her memories as he had before to satisfy himself. No, this moment was instructive, albeit annoying. He had taken a calculated risk that their union would strengthen the bond, had let her push him well past his intended limits, had in turn pushed her beyond ones she didn't even know she had, and now the proverbial matches were doing their work. 

There was no way out. They would be forced to forge a path together somehow, to meet in the middle.

* * *

The voice woke him from a sound sleep, as it had so many times before.

**_Come to me, Kylo Ren. It is time to complete your training._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... the end is in sight, my friends! Thanks for reading this far.


	13. Chapter 13

**Rey stood outside in the hallway** for a long time, screwing up her courage before knocking. She had practiced her speech to herself, but there was no telling how it would be received. She raised her hand several times only to lose her nerve, balling her hand nervously at her side instead. 

Why was it so hard to ask for what she was sure she wanted? She settled herself with a deep breath and knocked quietly on the General’s office door. 

“Come in, Rey,” General Organa’s recognition of her presence surprised her.

“Hi,” she said, settling into the extra chair across from Leia. “How did you know it was me?”

The General only looked at her wryly over her reading glasses. “What can I do for you, sweetheart?”

Rey swallowed in anticipation and smoothed her sweating palms down her thighs. “I was curious… I wanted to ask about the upcoming surveillance mission discussed in last week’s briefing.” 

“Okay.” The General laid down her stylus and leaned back in her chair. ‘What would you like to know?” She braced her foot against the edge of the desktop and slide down a little. 

Rey nodded, steeling herself for what she wanted to propose. “I’m…. I’d like to take part in it. It’s the least I can do, and I feel as though I’m not being very useful here just working in Mech. There must be more I can do to help the Resistance.”

Leia folded her hands in her lap and looked at her hands for a long time before saying anything. Rey could feel the general’s conflict, a mix of pride and regret that balled in a knot. “That’s very touching, Rey, but this doesn’t have to be your fight because of… well, really, dumb circumstance,” she began. “In fact, I’m fairly convinced it _shouldn’t_ be yours in this specific case.”

Rey stared at the older woman, uncomprehending. “But, I--”

The General held up a hand, cutting Rey off. “Feel obligated? Feel like you were _meant_ to? I know.” Leia nodded knowingly. “Just because you’re Force-sensitive, Rey, doesn’t mean you have to go tearing after every evil in the galaxy. There are plenty of other willing folks, believe me.”

“General,” Rey began again, “I didn’t come to you out of obligation. I think I’m well-qualified to help, but I have a request that I think will help me be more of an asset. Do you think Master Skywalker would consider taking me as an apprentice?”

Leia gently shook her head. “That’s a question only you can ask him, Rey. I honestly don’t know. I’m sure you realize you’re quite a bit older than most Force-users ever were when they started training, and I can’t speak for how Luke feels presently about it, but I know he was pretty gun-shy after--”

“There’s more,” Rey interrupted, looked carefully at her fingernails, permanently stained with mechanical grease. “Before you sent me on this last mission, you mentioned the possibility of my having a Force bond with Kylo Ren.” 

The General merely looked at her. 

“You weren’t…. wrong,” Rey admitted. “I _do_ have a bond with him, and it’s stronger than I let on. A… lot stronger.” She felt her cheeks flush and the General’s ensuing silence only made her flush harder. She babbled to cover up her embarrassment. “It started on Starkiller, from the time of my interrogation. It’s mutual, he mentioned it himself then, and it’s still there. I think my going to Thyferra only made it more definite. I can sense him all the time now.”

General Organa’s eyebrows were high with surprise at this. “Why didn’t you say anything? We would’ve found another way.”

Rey shook her head wordlessly. 

“I just wish you’d told us,” Leia sounded regretful now. “I thought Christi-- Dr. Ixx-- was being overly cautious, which is her default mode.”

“Dr. Ixx couldn’t have known about the bond,” Rey continued. “I told you I could do it, and I did. You weren’t wrong,” she grinned, “I was getting a bit stir-crazy.” 

The General chuffed and crossed her feet at the ankles, hands laced on her head. Rey felt a blush creep into her cheeks as she noticed how much son resembled mother in this posture. The General’s gaze flicked up for a moment and their eyes met. 

“So, you want to go to Luke for training,” Leia repeated, “To what end? You want to be the one who is tasked with the surveillance?” 

Rey cocked her head to one side. “Possibly? I don’t know what the Council has already planned. Mostly I want to be able to keep Kylo Ren out of my head, and I want to avoid going down the same… path as he did.”

General Organa nodded again. “We can only ask, Rey.”

Rey nodded eagerly. “I would appreciate it very much, General.” 

“I still wish you didn’t feel like this was your fight now,” the general added. “These Skywalker men…. “ She broke off with a sardonic chuckle. “They are not wired correctly. I hoped maybe Ben would take after his father more, but... that doesn’t seem to have happened.”

Rey slipped her hands under her thighs and looked anywhere but at the general. 

“I’ll contact Luke this evening, and he’ll probably want to talk to you. Don’t go out with the pilots until you hear from me, understood? We need you sober to reason with my pain-in-the-ass Skywalker brother.”

Rey laughed at this, her eyes crinkling. “Understood. I’ll let you get back to your work.” 

She rose reluctantly, enjoying this rare closeness with the older woman. She had often wondered over the last several months if her own mother would’ve been anything like Leia. 

Her hand was on the door as the General said, “Ben did get the Solo charm, though, didn’t he?”

Rey’s cheeks burned and she mumbled, “Uh-huh.” 

She walked so fast she was practically running down the hall back to her work in the hangar.

* * *

**Kylo Ren had been back** at the Knights’ training base for weeks before Snoke summoned him in person. He had just been sparring with one of the newer recruits when Snoke’s voice crossed his consciousness. He’d always imagined thick, black ink when his master spoke to him this way. 

**_Kylo Ren, come to me. There is no need to ready yourself._ **

Kylo silently held up a hand in surrender and thumbed the switch of his saber, ending the duel. The younger trainee bowed a bit too deeply and Kylo caught her lightly under her chin with the toe of his boot, raising her face to him. 

“Don’t ever take your eyes off your opponent, even if they seem to surrender,” he instructed. “Do you understand?”

“Yes, Master Ren,” she nodded eagerly and backed away from him to the edge of the training room, her eyes never leaving him. 

He nodded at her as she felt behind her for the door. 

The sweat on his skin cooled him as he swept through the corridors, his arms and face bare. He shook his hair away from his face and waved the door to Snoke’s chambers open. A blast of even-cooler air washed over him, and he hesitated for a second as his eyes adjusted to the darkness emanating from the room. He acknowledged the sliver of doubt that entered his mind, one that nagged him _this would be the end of him_ , but he drew his strength from dismissing it; if Master Snoke had intended to extinguish him, he would already be gone. No, he was the prodigal son returning to his father’s side. 

He stepped inside.

He traced the path he had so many times before, to the edge of the circle of light on the floor that spilled onto the stones from a single, overhead light source. 

“Master,” he knelt with both knees in deference. “What is your bidding?”

Out of his peripheral vision, he could see Snoke’s long, gnarled fingers curling contemplatively at what he supposed was the being’s chin. Face-to-face, Snoke was a still over a head taller than he, but his fragile, spindly body was less camouflaged by his ample robes. Kylo would’ve sworn he looked more gaunt than the last time he’d seen Snoke in person, but that had been ages ago. It was hard to compare accurately. 

“Welcome back, Kylo Ren,” Snoke dipped his massive head in a single nod of acknowledgement. “Your leave did you good, I trust? You look fit.”

“By your grace, I am glad to have returned,” Kylo knew when to stroke Snoke’s considerable ego. “My leave was instructive, and you were wise to send me away.”

Snoke raised one eyebrow. “Of course,” he said simply. “My boy, you know why you are here, do you not?” Snoke paused for a moment as though waiting for an answer, but Kylo knew it was rhetorically. “You have been the Master of these Knights of Ren for several years now, but you have yet to complete your training. Are you ready to face the final trials?” 

“Yes, Master,” Kylo answered without hesitation. “By the grace of your training, I know I am fit to pass them, and take an apprentice.”

Snoke chuckled, a dry, rasping sound that died somewhere between his sunken chest and throat. Kylo pictured a pile of dry leaves swirling together in a corner against stones whenever he heard it.

“The girl,” Snoke said abruptly. “Tell me about her.”

Kylo dared to raise his face to Snoke at this. “Master, may I speak freely?”

“I asked you a question, you have leave to answer it,” Snoke replied as though it should be obvious. Kylo knew it was anything but. 

“Your grace,” Kylo deferred. “Master, she is untrained, but strong with the Force. Stronger even than I, perhaps, but… unformed. She is currently with the Resistance, but she is restless with them. She needs training to channel her powers, and with your leave, I would like to take her as my apprentice when the time presents itself.”

“There is more,” Snoke prompted him. “Go on.”

“Master, there is a bond in the Force that has developed between us. It began during her captivity on Starkiller,” he hesitated slightly on the word, “And it has only grown stronger as time has passed. I am… more than aware of her at all times now.”

Snoke was silent at this. Kylo Ren looked expectantly at him, waiting for a judgement of some kind. Snoke stared evenly at him before leaning forwards to peer at him more closely. 

“You have Force bond with the scavenger girl?” Snoke repeated in disbelief. “How?” 

Kylo’s stomach twisted slightly. “I can’t offer an explanation for it. When I interrogated her, she was partly able to resist me. When we fought, she was able to defeat me. It is as though our being near each other allows her to draw on my knowledge and power, and use it to her own advantage.”

Snoke worried at his lips with the tips of his fingers. “This is…. unexpected, but not impossible. And you think she can be turned to the Dark side?”

“I know it,” Kylo said confidently. “She harbors a deep well of untapped anger and pain, and she doesn’t know how strong it would make her. She is seeking something-- _anything_ \--to lead her, to make her feel powerful, and needs only our guidance to find it.”

Snoke chuckled again. “Are you quite sure you are not merely describing yourself at her age?”

The criticism drew him up short and Kylo looked at Snoke’s feet, contemplating. It was an accurate interpretation of his characterizations of Rey, to be sure, but--

“You must be careful, my son, that you do not confuse your apprenticeship of this young woman for your own desire for a companion,” Snoke cautioned. “You have long struggled with attachments that hold you back from fully realizing your own potential. You conquered the lure of your father by effecting his death, but I sense this girl’s presence speaks to something deeper within you--something much…. older? Your yearning for a… sister?”

The sibilant consonants in the word sliding from Snoke’s mouth sent a shiver down Kylo’s spine. 

When he was younger they had spoken of it often, how he’d wished there had been a sibling to share the burden, the sense of responsibility he felt at his parents’ dissolving union. It hadn’t come up in years. But there was no one else, and that was the end of it.

“Yes,” Snoke hissed. “Good, I feel your hesitation. Do not shy from it.” 

“Master,” he began, “She, too, has had such a desire. Many times, from what I saw in her memories.”

Snoke steepled his fingers magnanimously. “If what you say of this girl is true, bring her to me. Draw her to you by whatever means necessary, and bring her here. She will become a powerful ally, or she must be extinguished.”

Kylo swallowed, his throat dry. “Yes, Master.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... and on this, the first Saturday in May, we are rounding the final turn towards home! One more chapter to go, and it might be a final lemon for some angsty, springtime lemonade. :D


	14. Chapter 14

**It always began and ended** the same way. What happened in between was fluid, a negotiated dance in their mutual desire to dominate the other.

The feelings overcame their basest needs of sleep, of hunger, and forced them into hiding in their own heads, alone together with each other. These encounters had a quality that lingered somewhere between dream and nightmare, the kind they could still feel corporeally after they ended. Rey had been shaken awake more than once by Jessika, only to angrily turn away from her roommate with resentment for her unfulfilled longing. 

Each time he felt more guilty, the weight of his master’s exhortation seeming to grow heavier with the passage of time. Kylo caught himself peering at her carefully, looking for some physical characteristic, a familiarity that should draw him up, disgust him from her, but he never found it. 

Even if he had, he was not sure it would’ve stopped him. The forbidden allure of thinking of her _that_ way aroused him in unspeakable ways he preferred not to think about. 

This particular time it had overwhelmed him as he’d glanced down at her where she sucked greedily at his cock, and he clenched his eyes closed so he wouldn’t have to see how she might be his flesh and blood before he pinned her down on her stomach with a hand between her shoulderblades. She whimpered with anticipation as he tugged her underwear aside to stroke her slick heat with his long, possessive fingers. He let her wriggle up to her knees before plunging himself into her. 

Rey could sense his confusion at his desire for her tonight and guided his hand to her to hasten her climax. It has been like this more frequently lately. 

As she broke, shuddering at his touch, she managed to grit out her challenge once more: “I’ll never join you!”

He clutched at her as they writhed uncontrollably together. 

“We’ll see, scavenger.”

“ _I hate you_ ,” she hissed, clenching her jaw furiously at him. 

He set his teeth and his lips pulled back in a feral sort of grin as his own pleasure twisted his features. 

“I know.”

**~The Bottom Line~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you, thank you to all you readers for your comments, kudos, and encouragements. It's been great fun writing this, and I sense there will be a next installment. This is merely a layover on this trash ship's cruise through the galaxy! This segment has been more of Rey's POV, but the next may well more of Kylo's. Real life is intruding rudely on my ability to write efficiently, and it's killing me. 
> 
> As I mentioned several chapters back, this story is named for the Depeche Mode song of the [same title](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GfkQOhXg_M), and I may have listened to Lana Del Ray's [Blackest Day](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuyAiUP2MEA) and Beck's [Blue Moon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIWbgR4vYiw) many times on repeat while writing sections of this.


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